JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[oldwomanc6 38]

I always knew that red heads were smarter than blondes!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[BillyVance 34]

Mini-golf....

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[justme12001 0]

Guess I'm an asshole!!

[format 0]

It made me By her smile, I'd say she is enjoying more than most of rest of us all

What goes around, comes later.

[Niki1 1]

This is the day for this.

Two idiots were discussing holidays. One said, "Easter is Jesus birthday. That's when we put up a tree and put presents around it." The other said, "No! You're the reason idiots have a bad reputation. You're talking about Christmas. Easter is when they Jesus up on the cross and he died for all of our sins. Then they put him in a grave. And three days later he came out and saw his shadow and went back inside for six more weeks of cold weather."

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[BillyVance 34]

Do you know Jack and his family?

only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree:

In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe Schitt produced 6 children:

Holie Schitt (who came to be known as "The Lucky Schitt")
Fulla Schitt
Shineola (who didn't really have the Schitt Face)
Giva Schitt
Bull Schitt (who really looked like Schitt, the father),
and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deep Schitt.

Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt", and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts.

The other twin, Deep Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell Like Schitt". Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company launched it's product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell Like Schitt Down Under".

But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she decided to hyphenate her name. She become known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a son of nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt.

Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt.

These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.

The "Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring:
Dawg Schitt
Byrd Schitt
Hoarse Schitt
and Pigh Schitt

But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.

Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream of water, now known to the locals as "Schitt Creek."

(From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!)

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BillyVance 34]

One day a little boy overheard his parents in the bedroom arguing, "You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Well your dick is to small, bastard!" The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boy shrugged his shoulders and went off to play.

Later that day the boy was watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut himself. The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using."

So the boy wandered into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and blurted out "Fuck". Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking, now go answer the door! The company is already here!" So the boy went, opened the door, and put his new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts and dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

Admittedly, these are a little lame:

Puns for Educated Minds.....

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



Jerry Baumchen

[gowlerk 1,902]

All lame. Except the last one. I'm using that one.

Edit to add- I put that one on FB, got 6 likes in about 4 minutes.
Thanks Jerry!

Always remember the brave children who died defending your right to bear arms. Freedom is not free.

[Niki1 1]

Those were only 2/3s of a pun. The P U part.

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[oldwomanc6 38]

Well done!

And I don't even have a stake in this.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[oldwomanc6 38]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi Lisa,

You too could be a part of this group:

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,“What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,“A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your a** hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

WORLDS WORST GOLF FOURSOME:

1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY, YOU ASK?

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A Scotsman has spent his afternoon in the local pub, and had a bit too much cheer... On the way home; he decides that he needs to lie down for a nap. So he's lying in the ditch , when a couple of schoolgirls are passing by...

Seeing his kilt; they start discussing what a Scotsman wears underneath it. Once their curiosity got the best of them; they lift the bottom of the kilt up, and this Scotsman is there in all of his glory!

Unable to resist a prank; one takes a blue ribbon from her ponytail, and ties it around his scrotum.

Hours Later... Upon waking; the Scotsman feels the need to answer the call of Nature. As he lifts the Kilt, he can't help but see the ribbon. He thinks to himself; "Aye Laddy; I don't know where you went without me, but at least you won first prize!"



Jerry Baumchen

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

Hi Jerry,

There's a SONG about that.

Ring ding diddle iddile eye dee oh, ring ding diddly eye oh.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[oldwomanc6 38]

In this same vein, Mr.owc6, whom many here know, plays the bagpipes, and is always getting asked variations of the "the question."

Q. What do you wear under your kilt?
A. Nothing.

Q. What is worn under your kilt?
A. Nothing, it's all in good working order.

Q. What's under your kilt?
A. Shoes and socks.

Q. What's under there?
A. An airfield.





















Two hangers and a nightfighter.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[BIGUN 1,048]

What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.


What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A Cherry Float.


What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it; the harder it gets.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[turtlespeed 212]

BIGUN

What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.


What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A Cherry Float.


What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it; the harder it gets.

Old ones -

Difference between Kinky and Perverted?
Kinky is using a feather, and perverted is using the whole chicken!

Difference between Like and Love?
Spit and swallow

Difference between a gay man and Hitler?
90 degrees

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.

"The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."



Jerry Baumchen

[BillyVance 34]

Hey! 1000th post of this thread!

A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible”.

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: “Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled horrible. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off waswhen I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled . But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.”

The old woman fainted.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

Lisa, this one is for you:

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful with a mysterious past and the wisdom of ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

The Geography of a Man

Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of nuts!



Jerry Baumchen