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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."

Adam asked, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.."

Adam asked, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, where he finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said...



"What's a headache?"


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


B|

Jerry Baumchen

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Hmm, haven't bothered with this thread before. Well, here goes:

A lady goes to her doctor and complains about her poor sex life and her husband's low libido; that she's tried everything and nothing gets him excited about her any more.

The doctor ponders and then goes to a locked drawer, pulls out a pill, and hands it to the lady. "I can't officially give you this, but try it out. Slip it into his drink."

The lady goes away, and a week later comes back to the doctor. "Did the pill work?", the doctor asks.

"Oh it was great! We had the most amazing and passionate sex of our lives. He grabbed me and we did it right there on the table!"

She continued, a little bashful, "I don't think we'll go back to that restaurant."

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A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying idiot told you I was speeding, too!!
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

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Wouldn't surprise me if this actually happened or some variation of it before the advent of personal body cameras. Now, neither side can lie and get away with it, as long as the camera's running. ;)

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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At the age of thirty, this young man had never had sex in his life because he was so embarrassed by his little pecker.

He finally went to a plastic surgeon to seek help. The plastic surgeon had a great bedside manner and told the young man, "C'mon now, there's a lot of less than average sized men out there.

The young man says, "Doc, you really don't understand." I never take off my pants - anywhere. So, the Doc says, "Alright, well at some point I'm going to have to see what I'm working with here, so close your eyes, drop your drawers and let me take a look. With the young man's eyes closed, the Doctor takes a look and cringes.

The young man opens his eyes and pleads with him, "Is there anything you can do to help Doc?" Please tell me you can help me.

The Doctor tells the young man, "Yes, I think I can help you, but there's one catch... about the only thing I can do is sew on a small baby elephant's trunk." The young man is so elated that he's jumping up and down for joy and says, "Let's schedule the surgery for tomorrow!!!!"

The young man goes in for surgery at 7 AM and comes out of the anesthesia around 10 AM. He looks under the covers and is astonished. He jumps out of bed and starts waving the elephant's trunk all around the place. The Doctor comes in and tells him it was a success. The young man asks him, "How long before I can use it?!?!?!?!" Doctor says, "I don't see any reason that you couldn't start tomorrow night."

The young man lunges across the room, grabs up the phone and calls a female friend of his and tells her he's been cured!!! She wasn't too sure about this, but being a good friend, she listens. He asks her out to dinner the next night. We'll get dressed up, I'll pick you up at 8 o'clock and we'll go somewhere really fancy. She agrees.

The next night, he picks her up and takes her to the most fancy restaurant in town... has those horseshoe dining tables and booths. The Maitre'd sits the at the table he's reserved, the waiter brings out water and some warm dinner rolls.

The young man slips his arm around her that he can't wait to show her....

SUDDENLY, the small elephant's trunk sneaks out from under the table, reaches into the basket of dinner rolls and sneaks back under the table. The lady that's with him is aghast, stunned and smitten. He has this look of shame and embarrassment on his face.

She turns to him and looks deep into his eyes and says, "Can you make it do that again????" The young man says, "I think so, but I don't know if my ass can handle another hot roll shoved up it.
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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Hi folks,

Dufus played high school football. He was a great running back, but a really poor student. At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great and popular football star and the students held a rally and demanded that the principal give him a diploma anyway.

They were so insistent that the principal agreed that if Dufus could answer one question correctly, he would give him a diploma.

This one-question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. Diploma in hand, the principal said, "Dufus, if you can answer this one question correctly, I'll give you your diploma." "How much is three times seven?"

Dufus looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, pondering the question.

The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway, graduate him anyway!"

Then Dufus held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty one,"

A hush fell over the auditorium and all of the students began to chant, "Give him another chance, give him another chance!"


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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oldwomanc6

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

... [snip] ...

Woman: Betcha the lying idiot told you I was speeding, too!!




Ya could have just said "719!"

Which reminds me of this joke I heard long ago:

[JOKE]

Ralph just got placed in the "lifer ward" of the state's maximum prison, to begin serving a life sentence. The warden ran a tight ship, and allowed the inmates little freedom or activities to occupy their time. So except for a brief 30 minute solitary exercise walk, the inmates spend all their time cooped up in their cell, enduring endless boredom. Most of Ralph's fellow inmates had been there a long, long time.

He introduced himself to his cellmate, Cliff, an older quiet man, whose personality seemed, like most of the other inmates, to have been worn down by years of monotonous existence. He unpacked the few personal belongings they allowed him to have, and then laid down on his cot, wondering how things were going to go. And how long it might be before he, too, had the spark of life drained out of him.

Hours passed with very little chit chat being exchanged between the other inmates. As darkness fell on his first night, Ralph prepared to retire for the night. Suddenly a loud yell "ONE HUNDRED THIRTEEN!" shattered the silence. Seconds later, the ward erupted in laughter.

"That was strange", Ralph thought. The laughter subsided. But then a minutes or so later, another loud yell "FIFTY SEVEN!" broke the silence, followed, seconds later, with another uproar of laughter. This "number-followed-by-laughter" was repeated a few times before Ralph ask Cliff what it was all about.

"Well," said Cliff, "most of us have been here ages. We used to entertain ourselves by telling jokes at night, when the bustle of the day was over, and the guards would be a little more lenient. But it wasn't too long before everyone had exhausted all the jokes they knew, and then repeatedly retold them over and over. Soon it got to the point were we knew what the joke was once the first few words of the joke were uttered. So to shorten the process, we assigned numbers to the jokes that we all knew. Then to tell a joke, instead of actually repeating the words of the joke, you'd just call out the number of the joke you wanted to tell."

"Hmm ... So how many jokes do you guys know?" asked Ralph.

"One hundred and twenty seven", replied Cliff. "Would you like to try telling one?"

Ralph pondered that question a bit, and thought "why not? Seems like the only communal activity here, and I might as well try to fit in". "Sure" Ralph said, "I'll give it a go. Let me think of a number..."

"EIGHTEEN!" Ralph screamed. Silence. Three seconds, five seconds, ten seconds. Obviously there wasn't going to be any laughter.

"So what happened, Cliff? Is EIGHTEEN no longer a joke, or maybe it is a crummy joke no one really likes?"

Cliff replied: "No, 18 is a great joke, usually very funny. Perhaps it was the way you told it."

[/JOKE]

So with that intro, let me just say: 82!

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Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

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Hi folks,

A married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the guy passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The guy replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the guy lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on for the guy.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the H*** was that?'

The guy says, 'Half time, switch sides.'


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A private Lear jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception with the Queen.

From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious!

Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer!

As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Blathering Snowstorms in Dublin

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplough can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied........

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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A skillful, stady, loyal worker is asking his boss to give a job to his brother.
Boss: Ok, so what's he good at?
- Well, nothing really.
Boss: Ok, is he any good as a worker?
- Well, he's laisy, avoiding work as much as he can.
Boss: Ok.. is he a good person at least?
- Well... he is better as a worker
What goes around, comes later.

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