10 10
BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

Recommended Posts

Hi folks,

A Scotsman moves to the USA and attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.

Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"

The next batter hits a single.

The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!".

The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by, the Umpire calls: "Walk."

The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him begin laughing.

Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't know if this has been posted before, but it popped up on my FB feed this morning:

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi folks,

The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window, that was a 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!", The Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are
not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the entire World. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window, that was a 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!", The Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are
not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the entire World. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!"


:P

Jerry Baumchen


:o:o:o


Sittin' in Bal'more right now. Mt. Vernon, that is. :)
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I heard this on the radio yesterday:

"The Europeans were startled to hear about the 700 people killed in the Hajj stampede in Saudi Arabia;
Because they thought the Hajj was being held in Germany this year."

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
mjosparky

*********We really need an *eyeroll* smiley. :P



A blond smiley with an "eyeroll". Yea that would work. :)Sparky

Here you go: http://mrwgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Eye-Roll-Blonde-Is-Not-Interested.gif

She was rolling her eyes?

Sparky

She had eyes?

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php[img]http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-rolleyes010.gif[/img]
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
turtlespeed

************We really need an *eyeroll* smiley. :P



A blond smiley with an "eyeroll". Yea that would work. :)Sparky

Here you go: http://mrwgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Eye-Roll-Blonde-Is-Not-Interested.gif

She was rolling her eyes?

Sparky

She had eyes?

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php[.img]http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-rolleyes010.gif[/img]

Looking at the violent smileys in that link.... :o:D:D:D:D
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok. We were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

:o

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi folks,

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is: You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.

You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's former President Bill Clinton.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
oldwomanc6

Talk about a letdown. I read the entire joke, and was waiting for a really good punch-line.

I guess it would be the same way if you tried to get Slick Willy in the sack. All you're left with is a damp after-smoke-cigar. [:/]

;)



And the smell of viagra being sweated out of every one of his pores.:D
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
You hear about an average guy who went to a party sometime. You deviously get the guy's number in a roundabout, technically not-quite-illegal way. You call him next day, either during office hours, at dinner time or very late in the evening. Despite the fact that he's suspicious and pissed off at you for disturbing him, you sweet talk him into believing he's handsome and that you are the pretty thing he's been talking to at the party and that you're great in bed. Then you sell him an ACME 'inflatable companion repair kit' and email his phone number to every other woman out there.

That's telemarketing.
"That formation-stuff in freefall is just fun and games but with an open parachute it's starting to sound like, you know, an extreme sport."
~mom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
oldwomanc6

***Hi Lisa,

Quote

Talk about a letdown.



A retinue of jokes is like sex: No two are the same.

Some are really good, and some are: :S

Jerry Baumchen


:D

In the sex analogy, isn't it that the sex was too quick - that joke was NOT quick.


I had a night mare last night.

I dreamed that Haley Berry was my mommy, but I was bottle fed.>:(
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi folks,

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.

Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"


I Can't believe you just sat there trying to read this - you don't even know Japanese. You'll read anything as long as it's about sex....you people need some serious help!!!

:P

Jerry Baumchen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

10 10