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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

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:D:D:D

For many years this couple attended their favorite college football team's games as they had season tickets. Always sat in the same seats, as did many of the other season ticket holders.

Then one day the man showed up but his wife's seat was empty. The guy next to him asked where she was.

"Oh, she went to a funeral"

"Oh, I'm sorry... who died?"

"She did"
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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I appreciate effective humor. It doesn't make me a "racist" or whatever (I think).

In Serbia, where I'm from, there's a "noticable" ethnicity of gypsies, who's appearantly making living out of a dumpsters.


A passionate hunter ends up with a lethal diagnosis. Doctor offers him a a solution: CrioSleep until a scientists invent a cure for it.
After a 70 years, they woke him up and cure him.
He asks what is a current animal to hunt?
They say there are no animals in the wild no more... exept for gypsies (who multiplied enormously)

So, he's loaded a gun, spotted a couple of gypsies at the dumpster... BAM... BAM!
Forerster yelling: "NO, NO... 200 yards of a feeder at least"
What goes around, comes later.

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A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line!"

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/Pit_Bull#ixzz3ht6Db1wr
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

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Hi folks,

Bert, at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 75, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed o
ut the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

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Hi folks,

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now; so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder, and says, "You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago."


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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This should give the ladies here a good laugh :)

He Said To Me!

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said to me . ... ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart



He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!



He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time



He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.



He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.


He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said . . A widow.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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:P:$:):S
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation..
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

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A guy goes to his Family doctor and asked him what was wrong with his wife?
the doctor response that all Medical issue are strictly confidential and cannot be discussed with another person.
but the guy begs and pleads with the doc and eventually gives in, he asked the husband what his wife name was, he says Mary S.....
that is a very popular name i am afraid and i have 2 lady's by that name on file. they could not figure out which one his wife was, so the husband asked what was wrong with each of them and maybe that would clear things up.
we ll the first Lady has a heart condition and the second one has AIDS. this confused the husband even more and he still could not figure out which one was his.

eventually the Doctor came up with a solution to the problem,

when you go home send your wife on a 10 mile run, if she comes back i would not sleep with her again !! :o:o:o;)

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Hi folks,

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'service' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I Hope Not; it's only 2130 now.'


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Business was terrible and not picking up.

The boss had to fire somebody. He narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like crap."


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi Lisa,

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."


They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Two old trees in the forest started arguing about a young sapling that was growing below them.

One tree said - "That's a fine son of a birch" whereas as the other tree fired back "Your wrong as that is one fine son of a beech".

This argument continued on and off for years with one tree claiming "That's a son of a beech" and the other tree claiming "That's a son of a birch".

One day a woodpecker was flying by when the trees called out to him. "Please help us settle this argument".

"I say it's a son of a birch", and "I say it's a son of a beech".

The woodpecker said that he would fly down and settle this.

The woodpecker was gone a long time and the trees were wondering what became of him when they spotted him wobbly flying back to them.

When he was near, the first tree shouted out "It's a son of a beech - right", and the second tree shouted out "No, it's a son of a birch - right".

The woodpecker replied "Your both wrong as that's the finest piece of Ash that I have ever put my pecker in."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Boy Scout Letter...

Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great.

We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire, so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, it will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops and all we ever see are those huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast which is concrete because we didn't have any plaster. So Scoutmaster Ted let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad that we didn’t use the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.

Don't worry about anything.

We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Jack


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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