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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person, should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc.

One night, Mike's wife begins to deliver the baby.

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"

"Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."

"Saints be praised, I..."

Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike."

Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."

Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!"

Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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JerryBaumchen

"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."



Outstanding! :D:D:D
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Hi folks,

Sometime people just get horny:

So this GI is getting close to the end of his deployment, and his letters home to his wife, are starting to get a bit "racy".

She starts replying back in the same manner...

His last letter home to her ends: "You'd better have a mattress tied to your back, when I get off that plane!"

Her reply: "Then you'd better make sure that you're the first one to exit the aircraft!"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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The Love Dress

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asks.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law answers.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"This is my love dress," she whispers sensually.

"Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.
Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organisation

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Sitting on the side of the highway watching to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22kph. He says to himself, 'This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder' so he turns on the lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car he notices there are five old ladies, two in the front and three in the back... all wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him 'Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?'
'Ma'am,' he replied, 'you weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.'
'Slower than the speed limit? No sir,' she said, 'I was was doing the speed limit exactly... 22kph!' The old woman said a bit proudly.
The Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that '22' is the Highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the old woman grins and thanks the Officer for pointing out her error.
'But before I let you go Ma'am,' he says, ' I have to ask.... is everyone in the car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time.'
'Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, Officer,' she replied, 'We just got off Highway 189:):):)

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Hi folks,

While walking along the waterfront this morning about 11 AM, I noticed this character waving a gun around and shouting "Death to all who do not believe." And then suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the armament he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Harbor Patrol and even the local Fire Department.

It is now 4 p.m. The guy has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.


Jerry Baumchen

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folks,

We are now at 33 pages, so I hope this is a new one:

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:-

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n) flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over
by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die,
your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of romance.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're
eating.

And the pick of the literature:-

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.


Jerry Baumchen

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An old Marine Pilot sat down at the bar, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a beer.

As he sat sipping his beer, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian

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A 76 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it!" he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

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A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in
California, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this
past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for
his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and
brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to
see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at
only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled
and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and
the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make
sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you
can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the
old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know', said the old man, 'But let me tell you about
MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

REMEMBER... Not All Seniors Are Senile…

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irishrigger

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the bar, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a beer.

As he sat sipping his beer, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian



I used to think I was a real pilot too!:)

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Her diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day, so I thought he might be upset that I was late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we should go someplace to talk. He agreed, but didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong, and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, and that it didn't have anything to to with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I can't explain why he didn't say he loved me, too. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing more to do with me. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with the silence all around and between us, I gave up and went to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but I still felt he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep--I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His journal:

Motorcycle won't start, can't figure out why.
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

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JohnMitchell

***
His diary:

Motorcycle won't start, can't figure out why.

:D:D

That's not a joke. That's the truth. :)
Oh, come on!
When was the last time you heard of a *guy* keeping a diary?:S
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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JohnMitchell

***
Oh, come on!
When was the last time you heard of a *guy* keeping a diary?:S


:D Yeah, you're right. But IF we had one, that's the kind of $hit we'd right. :D

I knew that word would cause all kinds of hate discontent, so I came prepared to edit. :)
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

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ryoder

******
His diary:

Motorcycle won't start, can't figure out why.

:D:D

That's not a joke. That's the truth. :)
Oh, come on!
When was the last time you heard of a *guy* keeping a diary?:S

So real men keep "logbooks"?
Where they write down what they wear, how many times they held hands with other "real" men and the specific mode of transportation.

The guys diary would read closer to:

Motorcycle didn't start: Battery is charged. starter motor turns over. Spark plugs create a spark at correct timing. fuel line is clean. Fuel valve is operational....(three pages of technical details later)...Motorcycle won't start, can't figure out why
There are no dangerous dives
Only dangerous divers

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decompresion

*********
His diary:

Motorcycle won't start, can't figure out why.

:D:D

That's not a joke. That's the truth. :)
Oh, come on!
When was the last time you heard of a *guy* keeping a diary?:S

So real men keep "logbooks"?
Where they write down what they wear, how many times they held hands with other "real" men and the specific mode of transportation.

The guys diary would read closer to:

Motorcycle didn't start: Battery is charged. starter motor turns over. Spark plugs create a spark at correct timing. fuel line is clean. Fuel valve is operational....(three pages of technical details later)...Motorcycle won't start, can't figure out why
Bad fuel;):)
You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

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