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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

One day Grandma was out, and Grandpa was in charge of the little tyke. She was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lot of praise for such yummy tea, Grandma came home.

Grandpa made Grandma wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Grandma waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Confucius Say...
Kissing is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say...
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.

Confucius Say...
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy

Confucius Say...
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.

Confucius Say...
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.

Confucius Say...
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say...
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system, turned off my external lights and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front garden, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

Local Police, Federal Police, the Army and all my neighbors are watching the house 24/7. I am watched everywhere I go.

I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $149.50 a month.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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On a similar tangent with the short people jokes...

A guy rear-ended another car in heavy traffic, and this dwarf gets out, surveys the damage to his car, and tells him "I am not happy!"

The guy said "well, which one are you?"

And that's when the fight started.
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Not sure if these were posted before but they are good for a laughB|

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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This is an actual exchange I observed in court in the case of Kim Gibbs (aka CQS) vs MHS:
(see Longmont thread in General)

(in cross examination)
PLAINTIFF ATTORNEY: "Why didn't you talk to the plaintiffs?"
WITNESS: "Because you had told them not to talk to me."
PLAINTIFF ATTORNEY: "You could have requested a Rule 35 exception."

(later in redirect examination)
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: "Defense *did* request Rule 35 exception."
PLAINTIFF ATTORNEY: "Objection!"
JUDGE: "Denied; You brought it up in cross."
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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The last 6 lines are the best. :D:D:D

Quote

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



Edited for context
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Hi folks,

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop p***ing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ...now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights.” I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than "please". I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes”.

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

I've lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid...but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Well I’ll be..................

"It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet. Nobody was married.

Here are the single people that come to mind.
Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darling family, Helen, Thelma Lou, and Clara

In fact, the only one married was Otis and he stayed drunk.

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Hi folks,

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home, the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”

“Dead?” says his friend. “'Why do you say that?”

“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”

His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”

“A witch??. . Why would you say that?”

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window. Took my teeth with her!”


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A small church had a very attractive, big-busted organist named Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

This is the true story: A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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The origin of yodeling -

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry."

So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.

"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO...."

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