JerryBaumchen 1,333 #676 January 16, 2015 Hi folks, A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy, Hameed!!!!!" One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!! 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful...... When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died! The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!! Now, don't tell me you thought that Hameed became a friggin’ doctor! Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,333 #677 January 16, 2015 Hi folks, A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice. "Hi, I'm so glad you called.......... Really?. That's wonderful...... I'm so happy for you..... That sounds terrific...... Great!...... Thanks...... Okay...... Byeeeeeeee". She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?". "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you". Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,333 #678 January 18, 2015 Hi folks, A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. "I'd like to be eight again..." she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, a soda pop and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot." The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ryoder 1,590 #679 January 23, 2015 "There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,234 #680 February 9, 2015 We been slacking off, Jerry. A new Army 2nd Lieutenant was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel. 'The Lieutenant says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.' About a month later, the 2nd. Lt. starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the lieutenant stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' 'No not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
format 1 #681 February 11, 2015 Two guys, black and white, wind up in prison for couple of years. While entering the prison, white guy says: "Listen dude, in time, we're gonna get horny. Let's fuck each other only. That way, we'll avoid STD, AIDS and that. What do you think?" Black dude: "Yeah man, you're right, count on me". Three months later they both got horny so they meet to fuck each other. Black dude says: "I'll go first". White guy puts his hand on a wall and black does it from behind. Afterwards, white guy is preparing to fuck back the black fucker. So, black faced the wall. White guy starts jumping, trying to reach black's ass (black is a tall one) saying: "Come on man, help me out" Black dude: "O.K. ... I looove you" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
irishrigger 32 #682 February 17, 2015 Daughter's Vibrator A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SethInMI 163 #683 February 18, 2015 irishrigger with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. It REALLY changes the meaning of the joke if, like I did for some reason, you misread "beside" as "inside".It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less". Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,333 #684 February 19, 2015 Hi folks, She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?" The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. Never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet. The old woman prospector, not wanting to get her toes blown off, started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crown watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of this twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's butt?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, Ma'am . . . . but I've always wanted to." Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
csubl 0 #685 February 19, 2015 The Hittites established an empire around 1600 BC. Their power declined after 1274 BC, and the Hittite kingdom vanished from historical records after 1180 BC. Therefore, a reference to a Hittite can be made without offending anyone. So there were these two Hittites named Ole and Lena.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
csubl 0 #686 February 19, 2015 Lena was having trouble deciding what she should give up for Lent. Finally, she decided to give up sex, but she didn't get a chance to tell Ole. Ole came to bed and proceeded to get frisky with Lena. "No, Ole, we can't" said Lena. "It's Lent". "To who?" wailed Ole. "And for how long?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oldwomanc6 40 #687 February 19, 2015 Hittites observed Lent? Who knew!Although, an otherwise good attempt at humor on this Wednesday! lisa WSCR 594 FB 1023 CBDB 9 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,234 #688 February 19, 2015 A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "good morning young man, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right? ......You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #689 February 19, 2015 oldwomanc6 Hittites observed Lent? Who knew!Although, an otherwise good attempt at humor on this Wednesday! A rabbi, a priest, an imam, and a monk all walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, what? Is this a joke?I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #690 February 19, 2015 How are women like rocks? Men skip the flat ones. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #691 February 19, 2015 A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #692 February 19, 2015 "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #693 February 19, 2015 Have you heard about the Osama Bin Laden celebratory drink? It's two shots and a splash of water!I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,333 #694 February 19, 2015 Hi folks, Husband dies and the wife has him cremated. When she was asked to pick out a urn, she said she wanted the ashes put into her cupped hands. When she had the ashes in her hands she started talking to them. She said, "You promised me a mansion and I never got it,,, you promised me furs, I never got them,,, you promised me a Rolls Royce,,, I never got it." At that point she blew into the ashes and said, "Here is the BJ promised you." Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,333 #695 February 23, 2015 Hi John, Math teacher arrested at JFK airport is suspected of belonging to secret terror society – A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a “slide-rule” and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. “Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.” As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.” Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,333 #696 February 24, 2015 Hi folks, The folks who lived in a neighborhood of Catholics were getting tired of Ole, the old Lutheran bachelor, always barbequing venison on Friday evenings. The smoke and smell were interfering with their Friday fish dinners, so the local Priest decided it was time to convert ol' Ole. After months of cajoling, arm twisting, and preaching Ole agreed to change. He comes to the altar and the Priest is sprinkling water on Ole's head saying, "You were born a Lutheran, and you have lived as a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic." Well, wouldn't you know it, the next Friday evening Ole was barbecuing his venison again. The upset neighbors went over to set him straight about the requirements of his new life when they looked over the fence and there was Ole, sprinkling water on the steak, "You were born a deer, and you lived as a deer, but now you are a walleye!" Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oldwomanc6 40 #697 February 24, 2015 lisa WSCR 594 FB 1023 CBDB 9 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #698 February 27, 2015 A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "one." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" the kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101.237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" The kid said, "first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 119 #699 March 23, 2015 Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish. Q: What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? A: One hundred people who don't do dick. At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans. A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’ So he asks the man behind the cashregister, "how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?" The man replies, "do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?" Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by. "Boy, I'd like to screw her," says one lawyer. "I agree," says the other. "But out of what?" Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back." Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you." The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?" To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
zoobrothertom 5 #700 March 23, 2015 I hope this one isn't already here. Do you know why lawyers are always buried 12 feet under? Because, deep, deep down lawyers really are good people! ____________________________________ I'm back in the USA!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
