JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Faicon9493 114]

A man woke up one morning with a terrible toothache. His wife said, "You need to get to the dentist right away!" The man said, "No! I'm afraid of dentists." By the middle of the day, the pain was so bad that he went to the dentist anyway. When he got to the dentist, the dentist took X-rays and told the man, "That tooth is really bad. It's got to come out right now!" He picked up a syringe with Novocain and the man screamed, "No needles! I'm scared of needles!" The dentist said Ok and picked up a cannula to give the man nitrous oxide. The man screamed again and said, "No! if something is over my mouth or nose, I'll feel like I'm going to suffocate!" The dentist said, "Can you handle pills?" The man said, "Yes." The dentist left the room for a minute and came back with two pills. He gave the pills to the man and said, "Take this Viagra." The man took the pills and said, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra was also for pain." The dentist said, "It's not.....but it'll give you something to hang on to when I pull that tooth!

[johnhking1 70]

9 hours ago, Faicon9493 said:

A man woke up one morning with a terrible toothache. His wife said, "You need to get to the dentist right away!" The man said, "No! I'm afraid of dentists." By the middle of the day, the pain was so bad that he went to the dentist anyway. When he got to the dentist, the dentist took X-rays and told the man, "That tooth is really bad. It's got to come out right now!" He picked up a syringe with Novocain and the man screamed, "No needles! I'm scared of needles!" The dentist said Ok and picked up a cannula to give the man nitrous oxide. The man screamed again and said, "No! if something is over my mouth or nose, I'll feel like I'm going to suffocate!" The dentist said, "Can you handle pills?" The man said, "Yes." The dentist left the room for a minute and came back with two pills. He gave the pills to the man and said, "Take this Viagra." The man took the pills and said, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra was also for pain." The dentist said, "It's not.....but it'll give you something to hang on to when I pull that tooth!

So the dentist said, "I can pull it with no Novocain, the pain shouldn't be too bad."  He quietly said to the dental assistant, when I pull the tooth, jab him in the ass with this needle.  The dentist grabs ahold of the tooth and as he gives it a yank, the dental assistant gives him a jab.  After the tooth is out, the dentist asks the man, "that didn't hurt too bad did it" the man said no but I didn't know the root went that deep".

[johnhking1 70]

On 4/6/2023 at 11:30 AM, johnhking1 said:

So the dentist said, "I can pull it with no Novocain, the pain shouldn't be too bad."  He quietly said to the dental assistant, when I pull the tooth, jab him in the ass with this needle.  The dentist grabs ahold of the tooth and as he gives it a yank, the dental assistant gives him a jab.  After the tooth is out, the dentist asks the man, "that didn't hurt too bad did it" the man said no but I didn't know the root went that deep".

So the woman says, "I hate to have my cavity filled, the drilling is so painful, I would just as soon have a baby".  The dentist says, "well make up your mind lady, I have to adjust the chair".

[lippy 765]

A man walks into a library and approaches the service desk:

[Man]: "Hi There, I'm looking for a newly released book about living with a small penis."

[Librarian] (whispering): "I don't know if it's in yet."

[Man]: "Yeah, that's the one."

[Divalent 89]

If you want a once-in-a-lifetime thrill, ...

... try skydiving without a parachute.

 

[johnhking1 70]

13 hours ago, Divalent said:

If you want a once-in-a-lifetime thrill, ...

... try skydiving without a parachute.

 

Would that be considered terminal velocity?

[Faicon9493 114]

The Mother Superior called a meeting of the nuns in the convent and said, “Today is the day we paint all the rooms in the convent. I have paired you up and given you all a designated room to paint. Just be careful to not get paint on your habits.”

Two of the nuns went to their assigned room and one nun said, “How are we going to do this without getting paint on our habits?” The other nun said, “Well, since it’s just us in the room, I suggest we paint naked.” The other nun agreed and they took off their habits and started painting.

All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door and a man’s voice said, “Blind man!” The nuns froze and stared at each other. Once again, a man’s voice said, “Blind man!”

One nun said to the other, “He said he was blind. What harm could it do.” She walked to the door naked and opened it. The man yelled, “Wow! God is good! Now…..where do you want these blinds?”

 

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

Jack and his wife plan a safari to Africa.

Because his wife's mother had never been to Africa, they decide, despite Jack's misgivings, to include her on the trip.

The trip goes quite well and all three are having a good time, enjoying all the sights and all the wild animals.

One morning, Jack and his wife wake up to find her mother not there.

Concerned, they go out and start looking for her. 
Walking along the trail, they come to a clearing only to find the mother-in-law face to face with a very large lion.

Jack's wife is very afraid and tells Jack:

"Do something!!!!"

Jack looks the situation over carefully and thinks for a few seconds.

"Nope" he says, "That lion got himself into that predicament, he can get himself out"

[Divalent 89]

I got a motorcycle for my wife last week.

Best. Trade. Ever!

[kaustik 3]

Remember when skydiving was safe, sex was dangerous and this website was heavily trafficked?  

Good times.  =]

[Divalent 89]

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

[Divalent 89]

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.

I told him it is between 1 and 5 pm.

[Divalent 89]

To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.

 

[Divalent 89]

I make mistakes, and I’ll be the second to admit it.

[Faicon9493 114]

There was a couple who had an adolescent son. One afternoon at home, the father saw his son engrossed in his video games and he whispered to his wife, "Let's sneak upstairs for a quickie.", and that's what they did. Unfortunately, they forgot to lock the bedroom door. Their son came upstairs to ask them something and he walked into the room without knocking. When he saw them naked and deep into doing the deed, he screamed. The father laughed at his son and continued with what he was doing as his son ran from the room. The next week, the grandmother was there visiting for a few days. One afternoon, the father heard a commotion coming from his son's room and went to check it out. He walked in his son's room and found his son on the bed with grandma and he was giving her the business. The father let out a scream. The son turned to his father and said, "I guess it ain't so funny when it's your mamma!"

[Faicon9493 114]

An old man walked into a tavern one evening and sat at the bar. The bartender came over and said, "What can I get for you?" The old man said, "Today is my 75th birthday." The bartender said, "Happy birthday! To help you celebrate, all of your drinks tonight are on me. What would you like? The old man said, "I'll have a scotch with three drops of water." For the rest of the night, that's what he drank. When the old man got up to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked, "Why did you order scotch with only three drops of water?" The old man said, "By the time you get to be my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. But holding your water? That's something else!"

[johnhking1 70]

4 hours ago, Faicon9493 said:

An old man walked into a tavern one evening and sat at the bar. The bartender came over and said, "What can I get for you?" The old man said, "Today is my 75th birthday." The bartender said, "Happy birthday! To help you celebrate, all of your drinks tonight are on me. What would you like? The old man said, "I'll have a scotch with three drops of water." For the rest of the night, that's what he drank. When the old man got up to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked, "Why did you order scotch with only three drops of water?" The old man said, "By the time you get to be my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. But holding your water? That's something else!"

A German woman walks into a bar and the bartender says to her "What can I gey you".  The woman replies "I would like a lite beer".

The bartender replies "Anheuser Busch" and the woman replies "Good, Anheuser Dick"

[SethInMI 145]

what is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I have never had a lentil on my face

[Faicon9493 114]

An old man walked into a high end jewelry store on a Friday evening a few minutes before they were going to close. On his arm was a very young, beautiful, voluptuous, sexy blonde. They walked over to the jeweler and he said, "I want to buy a nice ring for the lady." The jeweler took a ring out of the case and handed it to the old man. He said, "This is nice. How much is it?" The jeweler said, "That ring is $1,000." The old man said, "Can you show me something better? The jeweler handed him another ring. The old man said, "How much is this one? The jeweler said, "That ring is $5,000." The old man said, "I want to see the best ring you have." The jeweler walked back to the vault and came back with a ring and handed it to the old man. "How much is this one?, he asked. The jeweler said, "This is our best ring and it costs $40,000." The old man said, "I'll take it!" The blonde he was with was so happy when she heard this. The jeweler asked, "How will you be paying for this, sir?" The old man said, "I'm going to write you a check. Now I know you will have to check with the bank on Monday to see if the check is good and that's fine. Hang on to the ring and I will stop in on Monday afternoon to pick it up." Then, the old man and the very happy young lady left. On Monday morning, the old man got a call from the jewelry store. The jeweler said, "Sir, there is a big problem. I just got off the phone with your bank and they said that the account your check was written on has no money in it!" The old man said, "Yes, yes, I know.....but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[wmw999 2,116]

[riggerrob 558]

On 6/10/2023 at 12:47 AM, Slim King said:

What happened

If you have to explain the joke .......

Boring explanation follows: Back when I started jumping in 1977, we used military-surplus round parachutes that were not half as reliable as modern square parachutes. It did not help that they had been modified a logn way from their original military configuration or that they were being used for vastly different purposes than they were originally designed for .. nor being used hundreds of times more than their original military service life.

Back then I jumped from a 20-year-old Cessna. That same Cessna might still be hauling skydivers making it more like 70 years old.

The few large skydiving meccas flew World War 2 surplus airplane like Beech 182, DC-3s and Lodestars. 

All those old parachutes and old airplanes eventually wore out.

Meanwhile, sexual promiscuity spread: gonerrea, syphillus, herpes, crotch lice, heapatitus, AIDS, etc.

[Divalent 89]

A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself.

“I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”

The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”

 

[Divalent 89]

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

[firemedic 7]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a
text:

"If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams. If
you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating,
send me a bite. If you are
drinking send me a sip. If
you are crying, send me
your tears. I love you!"

The husband, typically non-
romantic, replied:

"I am on the toilet.  Please advise."

[Deisel 35]

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost.
It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he
saw smoke coming out of the chimney.
He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, ‘What do you want?’ 
The man said, ‘I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight.’
The old Chinese man said, I'll let you come in on one condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter.’
The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. ‘I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning.’
The old Chinese man replied, ‘Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man.’
‘Okay, Okay,’ the man said as he entered the old house.
That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time.
The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, ‘Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.’
The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. ‘First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest.’
‘What a lame torture test,’ the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window.
He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, ‘Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock.’
The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, ‘Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost.’