JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[riggerrob 558]

In December I walked into work sporting a bushy white beard along with a red and white Santa Claus hat. I greeted my co-workers with a rousing "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

One of them replied "Are you calling me a ho?"

This sparked a rousing debate about what she does at her part-time job.

[Bigfalls 110]

20 minutes ago, riggerrob said:

In December I walked into work sporting a bushy white beard along with a red and white Santa Claus hat. I greeted my co-workers with a rousing "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

One of them replied "Are you calling me a ho?"

This sparked a rousing debate about what she does at her part-time job.

Then he grabbed her breast and resigned from office.

[Divalent 89]

If women are so great at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?

[Divalent 89]

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

[Divalent 89]

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office…

"Doctor," she cries. "I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. "Not again…"

[Divalent 89]

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

[Divalent 89]

Wife: "Where the *HELL* ARE YOU? You should have been home HOURS AGO!"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, but I said, "Baby, it’ll be yours one day"?

Wife (smiling and blushing): "Yeah, I remember that, my love!"

Husband: "Well, I’m in the bar that's right next door to that place."

[Divalent 89]

On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?"

She says, "Why does everyone ask me that?"

[Divalent 89]

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
 

[Divalent 89]

When your wife gets a little upset, just remember:

a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.

[Divalent 89]

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
 

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

On 2/3/2022 at 12:11 PM, Divalent said:

When your wife gets a little upset, just remember:

a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.

The next time your wife gets angry at you, take a towel, drape it over her back like a cape and say "Now you're super angry"

She might laugh...

She might murder you.

[headoverheels 291]

A nurse making rounds finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket.

"Damn," she says.  "Some asshole has my pen."

 

[Divalent 89]

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working."

I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

[Divalent 89]

A little old man who’s hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can’t hear very well, he takes his wife with him.

The doctor examines the man, and then says, “Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.”

The old man turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”

The wife replies, “He said he wants your underwear.”

[SethInMI 145]

 

 

spring...is right around the corner

[Divalent 89]

A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a prostitute stopped him and said, "Hey father, $20 for a blow job." The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the prostitute.

When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.

The young priest said, "I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a blow job?"

And the old nun says, "Twenty bucks, same price as on the street."

[Divalent 89]

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren’t you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: “If you guys aren’t drinking beer than neither will I.”

[Divalent 89]

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.  The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I’ll be darned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologized.

“I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

[Divalent 89]

A woman asks a man, “Do you drink beer?”

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Yeah, that's probably about right.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: What color is your Ferrari?

[Divalent 89]

A guy arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him.

She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.”

“Of course I do,” replies the guy.

“Well then, what is it?” asks his wife.

“Breakfast!”

[Divalent 89]

I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Guinness. She didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got her a Killian’s. She didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn’t. I drank it.

I thought maybe she’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!

In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar’s finest scotch. She wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized she just didn’t like to drink, I was so drunk I could hardly push her stroller back home!

[SethInMI 145]

[SethInMI 145]

[irishrigger 31]

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God, no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache."