JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Divalent 89]

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to see a box ... gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale... Bob has been missing since Friday.
 

[turtlespeed 212]

Whats brown and really sticky??

 

 

 

 

 

A STICK!!

[riggerrob 558]

The other day, I got into a heated debate down at the Royal Canadian Legion.

I yelled “All lawyers are assholes!”

From the far end of the bar: “I resent your remark. I am an asshole!”

[turtlespeed 212]

Cupcake anyone?

[SethInMI 145]

This is my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

[SethInMI 145]

there were two fish in a tank. one turned to the other and said "do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

 

[SethInMI 145]

why do ducks have webbed feet?

to stamp out fires

 

 

 

why do elephants have flat feet?

to stamp out burning ducks

 

 

[SethInMI 145]

what goes ha, ha, ha, plop?

someone laughing their head off

[SethInMI 145]

what do you get when you cross the atlantic ocean with the titantic?

halfway

[turtlespeed 212]

Story of Petey, the Snake

     This is the story about a poor little snake named "Petey."

     Petey was a snake only so big.  Petey lived in a pit with
his mother.  One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother
said: 'Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss."
So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.

     Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and
hissed in the pit.  Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit
and said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs.
Pott's pit to hiss in her pit.  Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's
pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so he
hissed in her pit anyway.  While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's
pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit.  She
said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go
to your own pit and hiss."

     This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home.
When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying, and said: "Petey,
what's the matter?"  Petey said: "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to
hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in
her pit anyway, Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her
pit and said: 'Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own
pit and hiss.  Don't hiss in my pit.'"

     This made Petey's mother very angry, and she said: "Why that
mean old lady.  I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to
hiss in."

[oldwomanc6 38]

8 hours ago, turtlespeed said:

Story of Petey, the Snake

     This is the story about a poor little snake named "Petey."

     Petey was a snake only so big.  Petey lived in a pit with
his mother.  One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother
said: 'Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss."
So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.

     Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and
hissed in the pit.  Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit
and said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs.
Pott's pit to hiss in her pit.  Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's
pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so he
hissed in her pit anyway.  While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's
pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit.  She
said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go
to your own pit and hiss."

     This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home.
When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying, and said: "Petey,
what's the matter?"  Petey said: "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to
hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in
her pit anyway, Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her
pit and said: 'Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own
pit and hiss.  Don't hiss in my pit.'"

     This made Petey's mother very angry, and she said: "Why that
mean old lady.  I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to
hiss in."

That had me going all the way to the end.  I thought for sure the punchline was  going to be Petey throwing a hissy pit.

[mr.paul 13]

What's the difference between COVID-19 and Boeing 737 MAX?

COVID-19 is airborne.

[SethInMI 145]

I've also seen: What's the difference between COVID-19 and the 101st Division?

COVID-19 is airborne.

 

which is an army inside joke.

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

34 minutes ago, SethInMI said:

which is an army inside joke.

Hi Seth,

Probably from the 82nd.

Jerry Baumchen

[fog52 58]

In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the  head of a man's
penis was larger than the shaft  After one year and $180,000.00, they
concluded that the reason the head was larger than the  shaft was to
give the man more pleasure.

After Duke published the study, The University of Missouri-Columbia  =
decided=20
to do their own study.  After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research,
they=20
concluded that the reason
was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Kansas, unsatisfied with these findings,
spent $13.27 (for a Playboy, Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee) and
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting
himself in  the forehead.

[fog52 58]

language instructor was explaining to her class that French
nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically
designated as masculine or feminine.  Things like 'chalk' or
'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although
in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class
into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be
masculine or feminine.  One group was composed of the women in
the class, and the other of men  Both groups were asked to give
four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to
in the masculine gender because:

1.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2.  They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3.  They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem.

4.  As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should
definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1.  No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2.  The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.

4.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[gowlerk 1,901]

5 minutes ago, fog52 said:

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should
definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

And you don't appreciate either one until they go down on you.

[fog52 58]

>There was once an Australian backwoodsman who had a son. The boy's mother
>had died giving birth, and they had spent their entire lives in the
>wilderness, so the boy had never seen a woman in his life. On the boy's
>sixteenth birthday, the father decided it was time for the boy to learn
>more about the ways of life. So they ventured forth into civilization, and
>the father took the boy to a whorehouse. He explained the situation to the
>madam, and she sent the boy to a room with one of her best girls.
>When they were alone, the girl began taking off her blouse. When she did
>so, the boy grabbed the end table and threw it out the window. The girls
>shrugged it off and took off her pants. Then the boy grabbed the dresser
>and threw it out the window. She still couldn't figure out what he was up
>to, but she continued to remove her underwear, then stood in total
>amazement as the boy pushed the bed out into the hall. "What on earth are
>you doing?!?" the girl asked.
>The boy replied, "I don't know what's about to happen here, mate, but if
>it's anything like fucking a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we
>can get!"

[fog52 58]

[mr.paul 13]

A monastery opened up a fish and chips shop to raise money for their charities. The food was really good when I went there. So good that I went back to the counter and asked the fellow for more French fries.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “but I’m the fish friar. Let me get the chip monk to help you.”

[turtlespeed 212]

Covid - 19 Ribbon

[fog52 58]

25 Signs That You've Grown Up,,,,,,

 

>1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 
>2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 
>3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 
>4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 
>5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 
>6. You watch the Weather Channel. 
>7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of  "hook up" and  "breakup." 
>8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 
>9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as  "dressed up." 
>10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door

>won't turn down the stereo. 
>11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 
>12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 
>13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 
>14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 
>15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 
>16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM 
>17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one. 
>18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather 
>than settle, your stomach. 
>19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
antacid, not 
>condoms and pregnancy tests. 
>20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer  "pretty good stuff." 
>21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 
>22.  "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces  "I'm never going
to 
>drink that much again." 
>23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 
>24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 
>25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't 
>apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

[fog52 58]

A Bad Day...

 

> A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They
> arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His
wife
> is puzzled and asks if he has been to this club before. "Oh no," says
Dave.
> "He's on my bowling team."
>
> When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual & brings
> over a Heineken. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
> says,"How does she know what you drink" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling
> League, honey - we share lanes with them."
>
> A sexy stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
> Dave, and says "Hi Davey - want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's
> wife, now furious, grabs her handbag and storms out of the club. Dave
> follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he
> jumps in beside her.
>
> He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for
> someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him
at
> the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
>
> The cab driver turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
> b*tch tonight, Davey."

[mr.paul 13]

They said you just need to wear masks and gloves when you go out.
They lied.
Everyone else was wearing clothes

[fog52 58]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."  She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finishednit, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."  This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed.  "Oh shit, it's started."