12 12
BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

Recommended Posts

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. 

 

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. 

The three men had always done everything together. 
    
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Darryl said,"Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." 

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." 
    
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer
in to identify the body. Gomer looke d at the body and said, "Yup, he's
pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." 

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "no, it ain't Bubba." 
    
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" 

    
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." 
   
"What" He had two assholes ? asked the mortician. 
    
Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. 

Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with
them two assholes."
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her
telephone  failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the
phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly
lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed
the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the
dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
   1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
   2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
   3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when thephone number was called.
   4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on  himself  and the ground.
   5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Some old - Some new to me - some had to be erased due to forum rules!!!

 

1. Why did the sperm cross the road?

“Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.”

2. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

“Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.” 

3. Why do mice have such small balls?

“So few of them know how to dance.” 

4. What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

“Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.” 

5. A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.

“The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’

Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’

Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.'” 

6. What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

“You get your palm red for free.”

7. What’s worse than ants in your pants?

“Uncles.” 

8. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

“She gagged.” 

9. How do you know that you have a high sperm count?

“She has to chew before she swallows.” 

10. Three tampons are sitting at a bus stop. What do they say to each other?

“Nothing. They’re stuck up cunts.” 

11. If a midget tells you your hair smells nice…

 “…is that sexual harassment?” 

12. How do you get a Nun pregnant?

“Dress her up as an altar boy.” 

13. Know what old pussy tastes like?

“Eh. Depends.” 

14. If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

“If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.” 

15. How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

“…it’s not hard.” 

16. DELETED

17. Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

“Because she outgrew her B-shells!” 

18. What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

“I’ve never had a lentil on my chest.” 

19. Two deer walk out of a gay bar…

One says to the other, ‘Man, I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there!'” 

20. A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.

“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?

Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?

Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!

Bartender: What about your best friend?

Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!” 

21. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

“The taste.” 

22. What does Trisha put behind her ears to attract men?

“Her ankles.” 

23. What did one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?

“Same time next month?”

24. What’s the worst part about going down on your grandmother?

“Banging your head on the lid of the coffin.”

25. A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

“So he gives it to her.” 

26. What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

“Where you stick the cucumber.” 

27. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?

“Because his wife died.” 

28. Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.

“The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.” 

29. What does a leper say after having sex with a prostitute?

“Keep the tip.”

30. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?

“A beaver dam.”

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!

 "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
 The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

 The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
 something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
 was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me
 if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if
I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I
 was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

 The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

 With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then
 why did you ask me if I'm P olish because I ask for Polish sausage?"

 The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What is the name of a famous atheist?

Godfrey

 

 

Confucious say - There is French Kiss and There is Australian Kiss - They both the same - but one given down under.

 

 

Confucious say - a man may be a fool and not know it . . . but not if he is married

 

Knock Knock - 

Who's there?

Budweiser!

Budweiser who?

Budweiser momma take her clothes off when she drinkin'?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing  home. One day he appeared to be very sad and  depressed. 

  Nurse Tracy, asked if there was anything wrong.  "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said  Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today, and I am very  sad" 


    Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a 

  little crazy, she  replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please  accept my condolences. 

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down  

  the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.  "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. "Please put
  your  penis back inside your pajamas." 

    "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told  

  you yesterday that my penis died." 

    "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging 

  out of your pajamas?" 
  asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 20 CHINESE PROVERBS
> > > >
> > > > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> > > >
> > > > Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get
> > > > exhausted.
> > > >
> > > > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> > > >
> > > > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
> > > >
> > > > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> > > >
> > > > Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> > > >
> > > > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> > > >
> > > > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> > > >
> > > > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> > > >
> > > > Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
> > > >
> > > > War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> > > >
> > > > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> > > >
> > > > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> > > >
> > > > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> > > >
> > > > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> > > >
> > > > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> > > >
> > > > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> > > >
> > > > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> > > >
> > > > Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> > > >
> > > > Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Charity begins at home......

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a  wheelchair?"

The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "...and if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the

truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with

the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it

isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital
> when
> during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
> masturbating
> furiously.
>
> "Oh my GOD!!"! screamed the woman, "  That's disgraceful!!!   Why is
> he
> doing that??"
>
> The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,   "I'm very
> sorry
> that you were exposed to that,  but this man has a serious condition
> where
> his testicles rapidly fill with semen,  and if he doesn't do that at
> least
> 5 times a day,  he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could
> easily
> rupture".
>
> "Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.
>
> In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
> obvious
> that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.
>
> Again, the woman screamed,  "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"
>
> Again the doctor spoke very calmly,  "Same illness, better health
> plan."
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi folks,

Al and John are in the bungee-jumping business.  One day. Al says to John, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

John thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy new everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.  As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.  Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.  When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.  So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, John notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Joe is not able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding.  Again John misses him.  Al falls again and bounces back up.  This time he comes back pretty messed up-he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, John finally catches him this time and says,

"What happened?  Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine, it was the crowd.... What the hell is a Piñata?"

Jerry Baumchen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thoughts for when you're bored..

 

 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there?  I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN  leave the room when you get undressed
if they
are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/10/2019 at 10:37 AM, fog52 said:

Thoughts for when you're bored..

 

 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Farmer McNasty

 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there?  I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Col. Sanders

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Same reason there isn't a light in the morgue drawers

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

I don't care - doesnt mean NO ONE cares - somewhere someone cares.  Besides the song is about me not caring.

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Yes

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Social norms - human waste is not usually a social conversation topic, while gadgets and time is/are. 

7. Why does your OB-GYN  leave the room when you get undressed
if they
are going to look up there anyway?

They have better things to do.

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

Goofy can talk.

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

He's hoping to get on Discovery Channel like Bear Gryls

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Multiple choice?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Petroleum

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Yes and no.

13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Authorial laziness

14. Stop singing and read on..........

Twinkle twinkle  . . . well OK

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

No.

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Try brushing more often

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

Yes.  Just as reaching for the door close button speeds the door timer up just a bit.

18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

It does.

I cant stop myself.9_9

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to
>       spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof
>       of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but,
>       on the second, she decided that no one could see her way
>       up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
>
>       She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up
>       the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just
>       pulled a towel over her rear.
>
>       "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant
>       manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the
>       stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the
>       roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a
>       bathing suit as you did yesterday."
>
>       "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather
>       calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm
>       covered with a towel."
>
>       "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're
>       lying on the dining room skylight."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 minutes ago, SethInMI said:

It gets twisted doesn't it? I recall hearing a different take something like this:

Masochist: "Hit me"

Sadist: "No"

I remember something similar:

“Why do you stay with that sadist?”

”Beats me”

10 minutes ago, turtlespeed said:

Cleanest Joke I have seen lately that has made me laugh:

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here... points to legs ...and two kid knees here!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
 
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
 
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
 
"Sure, Why not?"
 
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
 
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
 
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
 
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
 
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
 
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
 
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
 
Then the cowboy says to the young man,
 
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
 
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
 
"Okay, why not?"
 
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
 
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
 
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
 
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...
 
Now give me back my dog."

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(edited)

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

Edited by mr.paul
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, mr.paul said:

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

How'd the Farmer find his wife?

 

He Tractor Down!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

12 12