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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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BLONDE JOKE DAY

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

_____________________________


A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

_____________________________

Cause it's football season:

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

_____________________________

Three blondes had boyfriends all named John and they kept getting confused. They decided to name them after sodas. The first girl said, "I'll call mine 7 Up, because he's seven inches and he's always up." The next girl said, "I'll call mine Mountain Dew, because he mounts me and knows exactly what to do." The last girl goes, "I'll call mine Jack Daniels." The other girls yelled at her and said, "That's not a soda! That's a hard licker!"

_____________________________
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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BIGUN

A few skydivers decided to go to a boogie.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same tent with Turtlespeed - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

Billy Vance is the first skydiver to bunk with Turtlespeed comes to manifest the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Turtlespeed snores so loudly, I just sat up all night, couldn’t get any sleep - and I'm fookin deaf!”

The following night it was CSpenceFly's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. The people at manifest said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Turtlespeed! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. He kept me up all night.”

The third night was AggieDave's turn. Now, AggieDave is built like a big burly ex-football player. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other skydivers. The next morning, AggieDave came to manifest bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” AggieDave said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Turtlespeed into his sleeping bag, then kissed him good night. Didn't snore a bit. He just sat up all night.



hahahaha, its been a while since i laughed this hard, i have seen such incidents happen albeit in different circumstances. have to add this to the oldest trick in the book list now!! very hillarious

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Hi folks,

A man and his wife were getting a divorce but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"



:)

Jerry Baumchen

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I think you like this one Jerry,;)

President Trump is visiting a Junior high School and a class was in the middle of discussing about words and their meanings.
the Teacher asked President Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the Word "tragedy"?

So Trump asked the class if they could think of an example of a Tragedy.

A little boy stood up and Said "If a man walks in front of a bus and is killed stone dead, that be a Tragedy!

Incorrect Trump Replies, that would merely be a very bad accident!

A little girl stood up and says "if a School bus carrying 30 Children drove over a cliff, killing everyone on board that be a Tragedy!"

I am afraid not Says Trump, that be called a very great loss!!

the room went Silent, Trump looking around if anyone else wanted to say something. Finally little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class.
If a plane carrying you and all the serving Republicans was hit with a missile and blow the airplane apart in the sky, killing everyone on Board, that be a Tragedy!!

Fantastic says Trump, but can you tell me why it be a Tragedy??

Little Johnny replied, "Well, it has to be a Tragedy, because it would not be a great loss and it probably would not be a fucking accident either!!!
:):):):ph34r::ph34r::ph34r:

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Hi folks,

THE GLOBAL RECESSION

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first, the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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I saw a stereo for sale for 1$, but the volume was stuck to full.
I thought "I can't turn that down"

But it turns out its fuse was also blown, so I realized I'd have to refuse.

No big loss though, as it also didn't have a power cable... I really wasn't looking to record anything anyway.

Even if I did I wouldn't be sure how to power it. I only have a limited knowledge of electronics, and it's not current
It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

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Hi folks,

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back.  'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.  But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.  I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly
how you use it for sex?'


The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...  My husband and I put it on the door knob so it's slippery and the kids can't open the door!'

:x

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

O.o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

2018 Darwin Awards)

Nominee No. 1 [ San Jose, CA Mercury News ]  An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

 

Nominee No. 2 [ Kalamazoo Gazette ]  James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo MI, was killed in March as he
was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck."  Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise.  Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

 

Nominee No. 3 [ Hickory Daily Record ]  Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December
in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

 

Nominee No. 4 [ UPI, Toronto ]  Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

 

Nominee No. 5 [ The News of the Weird ]  Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had
spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in
prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

 

Nominee No. 6 [ The Indianapolis Star ]  A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk,
IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon
discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Greg David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM.
Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

 

Nominee No. 7 [ Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario ]  A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium
apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

 

Finally, THE WINNER!!! [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette ]  Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and
struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.  Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.  The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis
noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting
the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.  After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.  "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this
is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck and the bodily damage, Lavinia, ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?  Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

:S

Jerry Baumchen

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2 hours ago, JerryBaumchen said:

THE WINNER!!! [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette ]  Two local men were injured

are any of those true? That one sure is not. according to snopes it can be traced back to 1996.

I discovered out a new feature by mistake, if you highlight text in a post you can easily selectively quote it when a "quote selection" tooltip pops up.

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Hi folks,

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed the cue ball.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow managed to swallow it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry and don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for all the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

:o

Jerry Baumchen

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6 hours ago, BIGUN said:

I think it's fair to say that most jokes are not true.  Kinda like movies - it's entertainment. 

For sure, but with the fake news sites / news reports it sounded like they could be in Billy's "You can't make this up" thread. Of course you CAN make it up, and it was in those cases, but they would have been far more interesting had they been true...

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Hi folks,

The Toughest Cowboy:

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...

Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bugger with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Coon River Dave, the cowboy from Sidney, Nebraska, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker...

O.o

Jerry Baumchen

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On 1/23/2019 at 2:40 PM, SethInMI said:

are any of those true? That one sure is not. according to snopes it can be traced back to 1996.

I discovered out a new feature by mistake, if you highlight text in a post you can easily selectively quote it when a "quote selection" tooltip pops up.

Most of the Darwin Awards stories are true. They do a fairly decent job of fact checking.

However, they do tell 'unconfirmed' and "urban legend" stories (the .22 fuse replacement/frog gigging story is one of those).

The list above, however, is not new. That's an older list with a more recent date tacked on.

 

For example, #4, the lawyer in Toronto 'testing' the window strength, is both really old and true.

 

It happened in 1993.

https://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin1996-01.html

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Hi folks,

3 ducks go in a bar and bartender says to first one, "Hey duck, how ya doin?"

Duck says, "My name's Louie and I'm doin great!  It's a beautiful day, got lotsa corn and I've been in and out of puddles all day!"

Bartender ask's second one, "How you doin?"

Duck says, "My name's Dewey and I'm wonderful!  Great day, lotsa corn and I've been in & outta puddles all day, couldn't be better!"

Bartender says, "Thats awesome duck glad to here it!"

Say's to number 3, "How about you?"

Third one says"I'm Puddles"...

:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

MEN & THEIR TOYS:

Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:


- a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

- a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

- a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it, stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.


I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!  A three second burst would be considered conservative!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.


· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

O.o

Jerry Baumchen

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A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle-aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes, the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. 
The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"
The man responded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."
 

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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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A dozen thoughts...
1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history when you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times when I was younger that I didn't want to nap.
4. Why isn't there a sarcasm font? I really need one!
5. Why doesn't Google Maps start their directions on #5? I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood ...
6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
7. Bad decisions make good stories.
8. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
9. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu- Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
10. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and then goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
11. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone I'd like to impress the entire day. What a waste!
12. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with a Budweiser than Kay.
 

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