JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his parachute gear at his side.

She said: "What is your gear doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"



Jerry Baumchen

[Niki1 1]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his parachute gear at his side.

She said: "What is your gear doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"



Jerry Baumchen

That's odd. I didn't see you at my wedding.

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[bsrodeo540 26]

When you're flying internationally with your rig in a carry on and border security asks you to open your reserve:

https://youtu.be/31g0YE61PLQ

Every life comes with a death sentence. Until then, who's in charge?

[Niki1 1]

bsrodeo540

When you're flying internationally with your rig in a carry on and border security asks you to open your reserve:

https://youtu.be/31g0YE61PLQ

He obviously didn't have a rigger's ticket.

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[irishrigger 31]

Wife: do you want anything to eat?

Husband:What are the Choices??

wife: Yes or fucking No!!

[SethInMI 145]

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

The stables have turned.

It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMAN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked

"No she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN ( a man's perspective )

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto the upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused. "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ..........so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!!!)

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, " I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee"

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it did indeed say, "HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'

He left the note where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

And this final one is just for all the fine ladies reading this:

God may have created man before woman, but just remember, there is always a ROUGH DRAFT BEFORE THE MASTERPIECE.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 75.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including: Mrs, Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with many flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus, they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.



Jerry Baumchen

[seedy 0]

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.

Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.


Mary became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel you know how to fish!"

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man Of Your House."

He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You wil wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."



Jerry Baumchen

[headoverheels 291]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he eats to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

[SethInMI 145]

[forest]
Me : hey there's a wolf!
Her: where?
Me: no, the regular kind

It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

I experienced the WORST customer service at a store in town. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Friday afternoon I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.

So Saturday, less than 24 hours later, I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund.

The girl in the store told me, ‘NO’ even though I still had the receipt.

I asked if I could get a replacement instead.

Again this person told me, "NO."

I asked to talk to a manager, as I'm really not happy, and I explained that I had just bought the item, got it home and it didn't work.

The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was, "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement.

Grrrrrrrrr I am NEVER buying another lottery ticket from there again!



Jerry Baumchen

[oldwomanc6 38]

SethInMI

[forest]
Me : hey there's a wolf!
Her: where?
Me: no, the regular kind

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[BillyVance 34]

SethInMI

[forest]
Me : hey there's a wolf!
Her: where?
Me: no, the regular kind

Gilbert Gottfried loves those kind of jokes.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying an infant stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister.

The congregation was aghast - you could hear a pin drop.

The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued.

The bride threw the bouquet into the air, burst out crying and ran from the church.

Then the groom's mother fainted.

The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.

The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."

And that illustrates what can happen when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.



Jerry Baumchen

[SethInMI 145]

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a refrigerator?

A: Uh, are you stupid? I mean, it's like everything.

It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

[riggerrob 558]

Halloween night, I was waiting for a bus along East Hastings Street in Vancouver.
I shared a brief chat with the Great Lewbowski.
A stout woman with a first-year-lesbian hairdo stomped by followed by a wino. The wino put a lot of effort into his costume with a long tangled wig, five-o’clock-shadow, greasy trench coat, one pant leg too short and shoes that were down-at-the-heels.
Then a middle-aged couple - dressed as police officers - strolled by.
A diabetic was injecting his daily dose of insulin, but why in a trash-strewn alley?
A nun in a brown habit greeted everyone with a smile and kind words.
A guy dressed like a meth head tried to bum a cigarette off me. His hair was ridiculously short. He was too young to shave and was wearing those baggy grey sweat pants they issue to prison inmates.
Then a short guy dressed like a Doberman sniffed my leg. He really nailed that costume with droopy ears, a slobbering tongue and sleek black hair.
Then an adult wearing a pink ballerina outfit roller-skated into the middle of the intersection and directed traffic.

[gowlerk 1,902]

Don't spend too much time down there Rob.

[ryoder 1,380]

riggerrob

Halloween night, I was waiting for a bus along East Hastings Street in Vancouver.
I shared a brief chat with the Great Lewbowski.
A stout woman with a first-year-lesbian hairdo stomped by followed by a wino. The wino put a lot of effort into his costume with a long tangled wig, five-o’clock-shadow, greasy trench coat, one pant leg too short and shoes that were down-at-the-heels.
Then a middle-aged couple - dressed as police officers - strolled by.
A diabetic was injecting his daily dose of insulin, but why in a trash-strewn alley?
A nun in a brown habit greeted everyone with a smile and kind words.
A guy dressed like a meth head tried to bum a cigarette off me. His hair was ridiculously short. He was too young to shave and was wearing those baggy grey sweat pants they issue to prison inmates.
Then a short guy dressed like a Doberman sniffed my leg. He really nailed that costume with droopy ears, a slobbering tongue and sleek black hair.
Then an adult wearing a pink ballerina outfit roller-skated into the middle of the intersection and directed traffic.

This sounds like a Primus video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOdo7dhvSwg

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[gowlerk 1,902]

ryoder

***Halloween night, I was waiting for a bus along East Hastings Street in Vancouver.
I shared a brief chat with the Great Lewbowski.
A stout woman with a first-year-lesbian hairdo stomped by followed by a wino. The wino put a lot of effort into his costume with a long tangled wig, five-o’clock-shadow, greasy trench coat, one pant leg too short and shoes that were down-at-the-heels.
Then a middle-aged couple - dressed as police officers - strolled by.
A diabetic was injecting his daily dose of insulin, but why in a trash-strewn alley?
A nun in a brown habit greeted everyone with a smile and kind words.
A guy dressed like a meth head tried to bum a cigarette off me. His hair was ridiculously short. He was too young to shave and was wearing those baggy grey sweat pants they issue to prison inmates.
Then a short guy dressed like a Doberman sniffed my leg. He really nailed that costume with droopy ears, a slobbering tongue and sleek black hair.
Then an adult wearing a pink ballerina outfit roller-skated into the middle of the intersection and directed traffic.

This sounds like a Primus video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOdo7dhvSwg


Or a Dylan song from the mid 70's.

[wmw999 2,116]

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat have all died, and are at the pearly gates.
God wants to know what each believes in.
The German “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
“You should sit on my right side”, said God.

“And what to you believe in?” He asked the Doberman
“I believe in love, care, and protection of my master” said the Doberman.

“Good,” said God. You may sit on my left side.

And then He looks at the cat and asks “and what do you believe in, cat?”

“I believe you’re sitting in my seat”

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those @%+#%@*s from Lowe’s ever deliver the damn drywall.”



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman at knife point and asked the man to hand over all their jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want, but PLEASE untie the ropes and free her otherwise there will be a big problem"

Thief: "You really love your wife?"

Man: "No, she is my neighbor's wife. Mine will be home shortly."



Jerry Baumchen

[SethInMI 145]

from annie hall:

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken."
The doc says, "why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would but I need the eggs."

It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".