JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[irishrigger 31]

you might enjoy this one Jerry

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

[irishrigger 31]

A lady takes her 5 year old son to the zoo. One of the first thing they saw was a couple animals doing it. The 5 year old asks, “Mommy, what are they doing?”

She didn’t know what to say, so she said: “Well, they’re making fish sticks.”

Five minutes later, a couple more animals were doing it and again he asked the same thing and again she said: “They are making fish sticks.”

When they got home, she was in the bedroom with her husband for about ten minutes, and when she got out, her son ran up to her and asked: “Mommy, were you in the bedroom making fish sticks with Daddy?”

She said, “As a matter of fact we were.” And he replied, “I thought so, because I can see tarter sauce on your chin.”

[irishrigger 31]

Three desperately ill men go to their doctor seeking help. One is and alcoholic, one is a chain smoker and the other is gay.

The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die.

So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can’t resist.

He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realizing how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a cigarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker
“if you bend over to pick that up were both dead”.

[irishrigger 31]

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. “

[irishrigger 31]

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. “I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!” “Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.” “I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he? “Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.” Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen,

Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”

[irishrigger 31]

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”

Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

[irishrigger 31]

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet.”

[irishrigger 31]

A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.

“You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs.”

Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs.

“Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs.”

Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.

“Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina.”

[irishrigger 31]

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster because it didn’t work. The cashier told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on sale. Suddenly the woman yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The cashier didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager. The woman explained to the manager that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for a refund, and he confirmed that he couldn’t give her a refund.

Once again, she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, “I like my tits grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”

[irishrigger 31]

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ”Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

”I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.

”Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.

”Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ”OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!”

[jono 0]

Bit of a long read but had me chuckling...

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Christ, what the H*** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer!

Chlli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. pimple face is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my throat.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to the really hot chili?

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[irishrigger 31]

Jon and Matt have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Jon says, “Hey, Matt, there’s the Officers Club. Let’s you and me stop in. ”

“But were privates,” protests Matt.

“Were sergeants now,” says Jon, pulling him inside.

“Now, Matt, I’m gonna sit down and have a drink.”

“But were privates,” says Matt.

“You blind?” Asks Jon, pointing at his stripes. “Were sergeants are now.”

So they have their drinks, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Jon. “You’r cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Jon pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Matt, go look in the dictionary and see what” gonorrhea “means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign. ”

So Matt goes to look up, comes back, and gives Jon the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Jon is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

“Matt,” he says, “Why’d you give me the okay?”

“Well, Jon, in the dictionary, it’s gonorrhea affects only the privates.”

He points to his stripes. “But were sergeants now.”

[irishrigger 31]

A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ”Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, ”Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 500 MPH at 33000 feet when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F17 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio (that is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset), the F17 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before leveling off at almost sea level.

The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!” The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 500 MPH, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the hell did you do?”

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the can to take a whiz, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel with the lead flight attendant paid for by the company."

LESSON OF LIFE:

When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing!

When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad thing!

It's called S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter!

Dedicated to all my friends approaching the S.O.S. category...

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

When his son refused to get a job, the father insisted he join the Marine Corps.

At the physical, the doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room.

"What chart doc?" the young man asked.

"The one on the wall!" the doctor said.

"What wall?" said the young man.

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and wanting to fill the quota, the doctor asked his nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room. "Now what do you see son?"

"Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said, "but your pecker is pointing straight towards Parris Island, South Carolina. Welcome to the U.S. Marine Corps."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

As a truck driver stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window.

Again, she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK."



Jerry Baumchen

[BIGUN 1,051]

From the land of Rickles, Youngman & Groucho Marx. A list of top one-liners that crack me up.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.


My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BIGUN 1,051]

Abbott & Costello "Who's on first."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi Keith,

Quote

"Who's on first."

Still the greatest stand-up comedy bit of all time.

May it never be surpassed,

Jerry Baumchen

[Niki1 1]

JerryBaumchen

Hi Keith,

Quote

"Who's on first."

Still the greatest stand-up comedy bit of all time.

May it never be surpassed,

Jerry Baumchen

You're right but if it ever is, I want to hear it.

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

JerryBaumchen

Hi Keith,

Quote

"Who's on first."

Still the greatest stand-up comedy bit of all time.

May it never be surpassed,

Jerry Baumchen

And it actually happened a year or so four years ago.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[Bob_Church 7]

JerryBaumchen

Hi Keith,

Quote

"Who's on first."

Still the greatest stand-up comedy bit of all time.

May it never be surpassed,

Jerry Baumchen

I've been downloading stuff like Jonathon Winters and Rodney Dangerfield and it's amazing how funny they were. My big problem is remembering who to search for. Now, Laurel and Hardy is next. Thanks

Dangerfield "My father was a workaholic, if you mentioned work he got drunk. My wife likes to talk to me during sex. The other night she called from a motel." Even his final words were gold. When he was going into the hospital for brain surgery a reporter asked him how long he'd be. "With luck, two weeks, otherwise, maybe 20 minutes." Unfortunately it was the shorter one.

[billbooth 10]

"Who's on first" will never be surpassed, but the Johnny Carson/Jack Webb "Copper Clapper Caper" routine is right up there with it.

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

billbooth

"Who's on first" will never be surpassed, but the Johnny Carson/Jack Webb "Copper Clapper Caper" routine is right up there with it.

Oh my. A bit before my time, but I always used to watch the Dragnet re-runs on "Nick At Nite" back in the 90s.

That is great. Thanks Bill.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjquGpmgwOo

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

A wife got so mad at her husband, she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door, she yelled, 'And I hope you die a long, slow and very painful death.'

He turned around and said, 'So you want me to stay?'



Jerry Baumchen