JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[irishrigger 31]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?”

The man says “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says, “OK, that will be $3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you guys have?”

The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” The bartender gets them their beer and says “That’ll be $3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks “What do you guys want today?”

The man says, “I’ll have a scotch”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a bourbon”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says “OK, that will be $7.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender’s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?”

The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”

The bartender says, “That’s a great wish…better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?”

The man says, “That’s where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight p.ssy.”

[irishrigger 31]

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. “There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.”

Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

“Second,” the professor continued, “you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?”

[irishrigger 31]

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”

The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you’ll have your license ready.”

Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”

The passenger says, “Huh?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, “I wish that jerk would’ve tried that shit with me.”

[irishrigger 31]

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

[irishrigger 31]

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer.

The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man’s curiosity got the best of him.

He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer”?

The man replied, “There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin’ good, I’m headin’ home”!

[raftman 12]

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of tequila and downs all 3 one after the other.
The bartender asks "What's the occasion?"
Man answers "First blowjob!"
Bartender says "Congrats! The next ones on me."
Man says "No thanks, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt 4 will!"

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be. If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up the magazine, he'll be a womanizer all his life!"

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."



Jerry Baumchen

[BIGUN 1,053]

1. Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

2. "I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"

3. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

4. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[irishrigger 31]

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests.

The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

The student asked, “Do you know who I am?”

The prof said, “No and I don’t care.”

The student asked again, “Are you sure you don’t know who I am?”

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

“Good” the student said, and walked out. He passed.

[Soule76 0]

OK First "Joke Of The DAY" post!
Been working my way through about 60 pages killing time in here in Afghanistan so I figured I should probably contribute!

Here it goes:

A man walks into a bar carrying a burlap sack. He sets the sack on the bar and orders a drink. The bartender pours him a drink and notices something in the sack moving and says to the man “Sir we don’t allow animals in the bar”. The man says “Ain’t no animals in there” and continues to sip his drink. The bartender says “look partner I see something moving in that burlap sack, if it’s not an animal show me what’s in the sack, otherwise ill kindly ask you to leave”.

The man looks at the bartender and says “OK”, opens the sack, and takes out the contents. He first takes out an old timey oil lamp, then miniature grand piano complete with a matching bench, then a small person about a foot tall. The small person looks around the bar, shrugs, then sits on the bench and begins playing.

The bartender looks on with a dumbfounded look and the man begins to explain. “See that old lamp there? There’s a genie in that there lamp. He’s real old and hard of hearing, but if you rub that lamp he’ll grant you one wish, anything you want” the man said as he takes another drink.

In a flash the bartender snatched up the lamp, gave it a rub and sure enough a genie pops out and said “what is your wish?”. The bartender hurriedly says “I want a million bucks” and poof, the genie disappears and the bar is filled with ducks. Wood ducks, mallards, … other ducks (I don’t actually know any other types of ducks) fill the bar. The two men are literally up to their waist in ducks. The bartender is shocked and confused and looks at the man who, despite all the quacking and feathers flying about, looks calm and unsurprised as he sips his drink.

“What the hell” the bartender yells at the man.
“I told you, that genie don’t hear too good” the man says, “Do you honestly think I asked for a 12 inch pianist”?

[BIGUN 1,053]

OK. Since you're over in the sandbox; I'm gonna play military jokes for a few days...

One day, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was invited to dine with his Commander in the field mess. When they entered the mess area they found the place quite crowded. They finally noticed a table with two empty chairs. There were three lieutenants seated there, so the Colonel asked if they might join them. The lieutenants, of course, promptly invited them to join the table. The Colonel and the Gunny ordered lunch and engaged in light conversation as they ate. At one point the Gunny mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could normally determine the sources of their commissioning.

The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned. The Gunny turned to the lieutenant on his left and said that the he had received his commission through attendance at ROTC. The young officer confirmed that this was indeed correct and asked how the Gunny had figured determined this. The Gunny replied that by his conversation the lieutenant seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Gunny then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS after previously serving as an enlisted man. The lieutenant confirmed that was indeed the case, and asked how the Gunny had figured it out. The Gunny replied that the lieutenant?s conversation indicated that he had a firm military background and a lot of common sense, but not much book learning.

At this, the third lieutenant asked the Gunny if he had determined how he had received his commission. The Gunny promptly replied that the lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The young officer stated that this was correct and asked if the Gunny had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the Naval Academy. The Gunny replied that it was none of these that had tipped him off, he merely observed the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BIGUN 1,053]

A soldier was taking college courses in between stations. The professor of his class was an atheist. One day, the professor walked into the class. He said,"God! If you're real, strike me down with lightning within the next ten minutes."

This shocked everybody in the class. "You have five minutes left", the professor said. In the last 3 minutes, the soldier got out of his seat, walked up to the professor and punched him square in the face. "What the hell was that for", the professor yelled. "God is too busy helping the soldiers in Afghanistan save your ass from terrorists, so he sent me!"

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BIGUN 1,053]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

"Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy.

Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 VC. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BIGUN 1,053]

Navy Ranks made easy.. A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

The Chief replied, "It's history and tradition ...
First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
When you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Captain you soar over military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star.
Does that answer your question?"

"Yes," said the Ensign, "but what about Lieutenant Commanders and Commanders?"

"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden even. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BIGUN 1,053]

The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers:
"We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
"Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base.
Out comes a platoon of black GIs.
The schoolmistress is quite distressed.
"Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant.
"Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!"

Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?"

The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!"

Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?"

His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!"

A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?"

The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything."

The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!"

"Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him."

Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?"

The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"

Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: Sex will begin at 9 PM sharp, whether he is there or not."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A man put out a classified ad that read, "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred responses all saying the same thing: "You can have mine."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your penis is bigger than your brothers."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot, then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another one. After he finishes, he looks into his pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and asks the man why he looks into his pocket before ordering each shot.

The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts to look good, I go home.”



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

H folks,

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

A: About fifty pounds.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife.

She wrote, "This isn't working. I'm at my mother's."

The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, "What the heck, the fridge is working fine!"



Jerry Baumchen