JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[oldwomanc6 38]

Phillbo

I don't get it.

Hay-Zeus

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[irishrigger 31]

Oliver Purblicoff was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Maureen, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly....

A few days later, Oliver got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Oliver, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Oliver: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, I found a golf ball wedged in her butt."

Oliver: "Was it a Titleist 3?”

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Oliver: "That was my mulligan..."

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory will be out-of-bounds to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?”



Jerry Baumchen

[riggerrob 558]

A: Where is "Jesus loves you" not good news?
A: in a Mexican prison.

[BIGUN 1,048]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

----------------

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this gorgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says, "take what you want!" The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

-----------------

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart.”

"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…"

I hate double standards. Why is it that if I have sex with loads of women I’m a player but if a woman does it she’s a lesbian?

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

How do you know if someone’s a vegan? They’ll tell you.

My fat is a bit like Kim Kardashian. You just can’t get rid of it.

I proposed in a restaurant that was playing Neil Diamond. Perfect, in hindsight, as his name is also a brief set of instructions for making a successful proposal.

-----------------

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store.

The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a women's group is hitting from the women's tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball she hacks it 10 ft. Then she attempts again and misses it completely. Then she hacks it 10 ft and again 5 ft.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds: "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 68....



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.



Jerry Baumchen

[ryoder 1,380]

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Malta_Dog 0]

All your dropzone are belong to us!!!!111!

[irishrigger 31]

A friend of mine is just back from Thailand after a golf trip and he almost had sex with one of those Lady Boys that he happened to meet in a bar.
He said she looked like a woman,talked like a woman, smelled like a woman and acted like a woman but when she drove them back to her place and reversed the car perfectly into a tiny parking space so he got out of there fairly quick !!!!!!!!

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” He said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder It’s ‘Miracle Grow!'”

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!



Jerry Baumchen

[irishrigger 31]

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'

The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi Rodger,

Quote

. . . my wife doesn't know . . .

A very similar conversation actually happened in a military barbershop on the US Army installation in Verdun, France in 1963. SSgt Schaa, who I worked with, witnessed it.

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!," replied the bride-to-be, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?” the store clerk asked.

"That one was a politician," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."



Jerry Baumchen

[rifleman 61]

The perils of cosmetic surgery

Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organisation

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

Little Suzie came home from the playground with a bag of candy.

Her mom asked her where she got it.

Little Suzie replied that the boys in her class gave her candy to climb to the top of the monkey bars.

Little Suzie's mom told her, "Honey, those boys just wanted to see your underwear".

Little Suzie responded, "It's OK Mommy, I fooled them! I didn't wear any!"



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

Since it is getting closer to election time:

A guy is walking along a Maui beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK then, I want to die after Congress balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

"You crafty bugger," says the genie.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Whatever you may like about her, marry a woman your own age. As her beauty fades, so will your eyesight.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.



Jerry Baumchen

[ryoder 1,380]

Ad for the new Apple AirPods: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_wImaGRkNY

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[BillyVance 34]

The food here tastes like shit!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[ryoder 1,380]

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[BillyVance 34]

ryoder

Whoever designed that must have had some dirty thoughts....

Looks too much like a damn butt plug. Call it the iPlug.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone. But after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



Jerry Baumchen

[irishrigger 31]

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir ".....