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Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a road trip.

Heisenberg is driving and they get pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer walks up and says, Did you know you were going 90 mph?

Heisenberg throws up his hands and says, "Dammit, now I'm lost!"

The officer is suspicious and searches the car.

He comes back to the front and says, Did you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?

Schrodinger replies, "Well, he is now, isn't he?"
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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ryoder

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a road trip.

Heisenberg is driving and they get pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer walks up and says, Did you know you were going 90 mph?

Heisenberg throws up his hands and says, "Dammit, now I'm lost!"

The officer is suspicious and searches the car.

He comes back to the front and says, Did you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?

Schrodinger replies, "Well, he is now, isn't he?"



I'm uncertain why this is funny, all things being equal.
But, I suppose it could be funny and not funny simultaneously.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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ryoder

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a road trip.

Heisenberg is driving and they get pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer walks up and says, Did you know you were going 90 mph?

Heisenberg throws up his hands and says, "Dammit, now I'm lost!"

The officer is suspicious and searches the car.

He comes back to the front and says, Did you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?

Schrodinger replies, "Well, he is now, isn't he?"



If Heisenberg keeps driving like that there's a good chance they'll run into their old friend Pauli ...and it's probable that the meeting won't be pleasant.

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muff528

***Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a road trip.

Heisenberg is driving and they get pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer walks up and says, Did you know you were going 90 mph?

Heisenberg throws up his hands and says, "Dammit, now I'm lost!"

The officer is suspicious and searches the car.

He comes back to the front and says, Did you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?

Schrodinger replies, "Well, he is now, isn't he?"



If Heisenberg keeps driving like that there's a good chance they'll run into their old friend Pauli ...and it's probable that the meeting won't be pleasant.

I had forgotten about him.

I just don't think any of this would be possible, unless James Gleick made it to the party.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Hi folks,

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ...."

I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's.'


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks
and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My Bike"

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Hi folks,

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

80 year old man goes to see the doc for a physical. Doc declares him to be in perfectly good health.

"Tell me Doc, am I going to live to be a hundred?"

"Do you drink or smoke or chase wild women?"

"No Doc, never done anything like that."

"Do you do dangerous sports like skydiving or mountain climbing?"

"No Doc, I always keep my feet solidly on the ground."

"Do you eat red meat or fatty foods?"

"No Doc, I'm a vegetarian. I eat 100% healthy."

"Do you race cars or motorcycles?"

"No Doc, I drive a Prius and obey all the speed laws."

"Well, in that case, why do you care about living to 100 then?"


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,


When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters*PNEIS*into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today.

The rest of you are sending this on to your friends.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Andy Rooney on Sex:

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

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With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what the hell to do with it!
Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

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Hi folks,

The guy was in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

The guy pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely, but listen very, very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A man was sitting reading the paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned.'


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).


That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


:)

Jerry Baumchen



It also explains why Santa fears to, and never goes in reverse.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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