JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[funjumper101 15]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[funjumper101 15]

Little Billy is pulling a dead frog on a rope as he walks into a brothel. He walks up to the madam and says loudly and proudly, "I want to have sex with Monica."

The madam says, "but you're just a boy, you can't be here."

Billy pulls out $3000 dollars and says, "I am a paying customer, and I want to have sex with Monica."

The madam looks at the cash and thinks that they could use it. "Okay, little boy. But why do you want to have sex with Monica? There are a lot of women here?"

Billy replies, "I heard she has chlamydia."

The madam starts laughing and says, "why in the world would you want to knowingly have sex with someone who has chlamydia?"

Billy takes a couple steps closer, he says "well you see, my parents are going out to dinner tonight and I'm going to have sex with my babysitter. I know that when my daddy takes her home, he's going to have sex with the babysitter. Then tomorrow, he'll have sex with my mom, and then the next day, my mom will have sex with the mailman, and he's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog!"

[BillyVance 34]

For all you moms out there who have their days like this.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

H folks,

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man, you look tired.”

His buddy says: “Man, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (65+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that s***."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbi for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.



Jerry Baumchen

[BillyVance 34]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbi for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.



Jerry Baumchen

what a biiiiiiiiiiitch!!!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

The officer said, 'You drinking?'

I replied, 'You buying?'

We both laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.



Jerry Baumchen

[JohnnyMarko 1]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

The officer said, 'You drinking?'

I replied, 'You buying?'

We both laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.



Jerry Baumchen

"Sir, I need to do a field sobriety test. Please walk along this line."

"Well I would if it wasn't so curvy."

[irishrigger 31]

Its been a while since we had a blonde joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and got pulled over for speeding by a blonde police woman.
the blond cop asked for the blonde driver license, the driver got more aggittated as she searches throught her hand bag and finally asked what does it look like?

blond cop says, it is square and has your picture on it!

the driver after searching for a while through her purse finally finds a small square mirror and looks at it. here it is handing it over the blond cop.

blone cop looks at the mirror and says, ok,you are free to go, i did not realise you were a cop!

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

... walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the matre d', after scrutinizing the group... "You can't come in here without a Thai."



Jerry Baumchen

[jclalor 12]

Impressive global knowledge.


On the other hand, I went out to pizza last might with my GF/fiancé. I ended up loosing my five year old Niece 'old for about two hours, it was absolutley terrifying. I eventually run her back, but it Wes a very scary situation.

[format 0]

irishrigger

Its been a while since we had a blonde joke

A man asks a newsstand clerk for a pack of condoms.
Blond clerk replies:
"Sir, is it for here or takeaway?"

What goes around, comes later.

[Amazon 7]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[oldwomanc6 38]

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[Erroll 49]

jclalor

Impressive global knowledge.

Quote

...and 2 Africans

Impressive indeed. Probably went to the same school as Sarah Palin.

[akarunway 1]

Needed a laugh this morning. Thanks.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

[Amazon 7]

An English guy, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no ambition)?"

[mfrese 0]

Three Catholic school girls head down to confession one Saturday morning.

The first one enters the confessional, and tells the priest, "I've sinned, Father. Last night on our date, I let my boyfriend touch my breasts."
The priest replies, "That's a terrible sin for a girl your age! I want you to say five Hail Marys, and bathe your breasts in holy water!"
She heads to the holy water fount as the second girl enters, and tells the priest, "I've sinned, Father. Last night on our date, I let my boyfriend touch me between my legs."
The priest exclaims, "That's awful, a terrible sin! I want you to say 10 Hail Marys, and bath your, um, you know, in holy water!"
The first two girls are waiting at the holy water fount when the third girl walks up and says, "Give me some room girls, I have to gargle."

Doctor I ain't gonna die,
Just write me an alibi! ---- Lemmy/Slash

[BillyVance 34]

Don't you hate when THIS happens?

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

OK guys, admit it, this is true:

Three women were having a drink after work; a single woman, an engaged woman, and a married woman.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "P****d Off" to "Let's get the SOB's." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbe' this weekend!" and "The barbie' is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,

John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

PS) And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.



Jerry Baumchen

[Amazon 7]

If you jump off the Pont Neuf while in Paris you would be.................in Seine

[oldwomanc6 38]

Amazon

If you jump off the Pont Neuf while in Paris you would be.................in Seine

I love it; a multi language pun!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person, should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc.

One night, Mike's wife begins to deliver the baby.

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"

"Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."

"Saints be praised, I..."

Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike."

Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."

Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!"

Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"



Jerry Baumchen