JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[irishrigger 31]

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"


Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

[Divalent 89]

Steven walks up to his friend John of many years. He has always admired his friend John because John has a good job, a beautiful family, and is a deacon in his church. However, Steven notices that John looks extremely distressed.

Steven says: "What's wrong John, you look terrible?"

John: "I just got a letter in the mail. The guy says that if I don't stop sleeping with his wife, he is going to kill me and bury me so that I will never be found."

Steven: "Well, that doesn't seem so bad, why don't you just stop sleeping with his wife and be done with it?"

John: "It wasn't signed".


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy is working on his English homework, and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?

"Oh defintely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

[BIGUN 1,053]

Morning, Jerry.

Some College Football Jokes:

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Georgia Tech freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Colorado football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.
He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________

How is the Wyoming football team like a possum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________

What are the longest three years of a University of Florida football player’s life?
Freshman I, II, and III.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BIGUN 1,053]

"OLD" IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BillyVance 34]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now?



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides
that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready
for action. They unite as one. All goes well. Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to
go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert. Again he
is ready for more 'action'.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert
kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it; Robert is back again, rapping on the door
and is as fresh as a 25-year old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that
at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your
age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has its advantages.



JerryBaumchen

[fog52 58]

This morning I was beaten up in an elevator by a busty woman.
I was staring at her boobs whe she said "would you please press one?"

So I did....

I don't remember much after that......

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[fog52 58]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sufered from bad breath. This made him, (yea.... this is so bad it's funny.....) "A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[SCS292 1]

fog52

(yea.... this is so bad it's funny.."

Spot on with the "bad" part.

[BIGUN 1,053]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat .....and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"








>But, you saw that coming.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[lawrocket 3]

BillyVance - his birthday as today. He was trying to tell me but I just couldn't see the signs.

FUCK YOU BILLY!!!

Hope your birthday was a good one, deaf fooker!

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[BIGUN 1,053]

G'Day Jerry

A couple was having a romantic dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Kathleen, soon we will have been married for 40 years, and there's something I have often wondered about. In all of these 40 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Kathleen replied, "Gerry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 40 years, but always for a good reason."

"I never suspected”, said Gerry. “Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Kathleen said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Gerry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "Thank you. I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But what about the second time?"

Kathleen replied "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge?"

"I recall that," says Gerry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course, I can forgive you for that. But tell me about the third time."

"All right", Kathleen said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes...and you won?"

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi Keith,

AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your horse's reins is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."



JerryBaumchen

[BIGUN 1,053]

Hi Jerry,

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't underestimate the old guys.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[feuergnom 22]

speaking of paddy....

paddy thinks that cunilingus is a new airline

how do you make an irishman burn his ear?
phone him when he's ironing

The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

dudeist skydiver # 666

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

When I die I want my last words to be, "I left a million dollars under . . . "



JerryBaumchen

[turtlespeed 212]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

When I die I want my last words to be, "I left a million dollars under . . . "



JerryBaumchen

I think I'd be more dramatic . . .

Leave a last will and testament and make it a "Jumble" like in the newspaper.

and then when they open the safe deposit box, it's all Monopoly Money.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[oldwomanc6 38]

turtlespeed

***Hi folks,

When I die I want my last words to be, "I left a million dollars under . . . "



JerryBaumchen

I think I'd be more dramatic . . .

Leave a last will and testament and make it a "Jumble" like in the newspaper.

and then when they open the safe deposit box, it's all Monopoly Money.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s***.'

JerryBaumchen

[jono 0]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

When I die I want my last words to be, "I left a million dollars under . . . "



JerryBaumchen

If I ever save anyone's life, I going to pull out my phone and say "The subject is safe, the time is ..., the year is..." Then I'm going to look them in the eye and say "Your future great great great grandson is a very important man" and just take off running.

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[jono 0]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, as passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[CorvusCrypto 0]

My penis. (Ladies *wink wink*)

Id say my height but i dont want to sell my self short.

"I would rather be ashes than dust. I would rather be a majestic eagle riding a missile across the sky with sparklers than be an old couch potato." - Jack London (paraphrased)

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Just to change things up a little:

Q) I travel all over the world but I never leave the corner. What am I?



















A) A stamp.



JerryBaumchen

[oldwomanc6 38]

If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a four-sided roof. which, lies on the North Pole; which direction would the egg roll?

N S E W?

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9