JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Thunderbow 1]

What did the casket say to the other casket?????????


Is that you coughin'?????????

Coffin for those that don't get it!!!!!!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Lord, let me be the person my dog thinks I am.

[BIGUN 1,051]

You're banned from the Joke of the Day club.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[Thunderbow 1]

That is strange, the guys at work have the same attitude toward my jokes.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Lord, let me be the person my dog thinks I am.

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of their different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance, "Nuts and Butts" - no way, "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good, "Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with........

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

This one is somewhat old but maybe some folks have not heard it:

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

And my apologies to all Californians.

You Know When You Are In California:

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

You can't remember.....is pot illegal?

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Both you AND your dog have therapists.

You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage , would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or If I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

JerryBaumchen

[BIGUN 1,051]

All good and all new for me!!! -or- is pot illegal; I forget!

If you get more, reply to this one.. I changed the thread title to JERRY'S JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB!!!!

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

No so much a joke as a commentary:

What I’ve learned at the movies…

During all police investigations, detectives will visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America include the digits ‘555’.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town you can usually disappear into a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover-sheets that reach up to the armpits on a woman but only to the waist of the man lying alongside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for any passenger to land a crippled plane, someone in the control tower will talk him down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You'll probably survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak German. A vaguely foreign accent will suffice.

If an imminent natural disaster or killer beast threatens your town, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will screw his face up in agony when a woman later attends to his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi it is never necessary to look in your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over, it will always be the exact fare. Likewise when leaving a bar or restaurant in a hurry, just throw some bills on the table and go, no member of staff will question your departure.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, open the fridge door and use the light from that instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Computers never display a cursor on screen but will always say, ‘Enter Password’.

No matter how many times Sigourney Weaver dies on screen, she can always be revived for one more Alien film.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning, even though fathers and children never have time to eat.

Cars that crash almost always explode into a fireball.

American police cars are able to match the performance of any foreign sports car they happen to be chasing.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 24 hours to finish the job.

A single match is sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect hair, pure white teeth and flawless skin.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye’ when beginning or ending a telephone conversation.

Even when driving along a perfectly straight road it is necessary to move the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timers with large red numbers so everybody knows when they're about to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

A detective will always solve a baffling case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait around in a threatening manner until you have knocked them all out one by one.

It is possible to outrun or outdrive the effects of any explosion, avalanche, earthquake or hurricane.

A person rendered unconscious by a blow to the head will never suffer concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to ensure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their incompatible opposite.

A chainsaw can always be found when a maniac needs one.

Any lock can be picked using a credit card or paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment in time.

In court you should always aim to be represented by an inexperienced female lawyer who has a retired alcoholic father whose once brilliant legal mind is pickled. To help his little girl he’ll come out of retirement, sober himself up and discover startling new evidence that nobody else knows about, thereby winning your case.

The concierge of a fashionable hotel will always overlook you’re a hooker, providing your unmarried billionaire client is renting the penthouse.

You are unlikely to appear in a sequel if you wear the only red coat in a black and white film about the Holocaust.

If a detective asks if you’re feeling lucky he probably isn’t aiming to sell you a raffle ticket.

To most American motorists the command, ‘Put your hands on the roof’, is incomprehensible.

Anyone on foot who is being chased by a car should always stick to the middle of the alley.

Vultures will always obligingly circle high above a massacre until somebody shows up to bury the bodies.

No matter how far you boldly trek through the Universe visiting strange new worlds, someone will always be there to greet you in English when you arrive.



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

And another long one to finish up for today:

52 things you would love to say out loud at work:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of garbage.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your cigar?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ha-aahhhh. I see the SNAFU fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? A flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door number .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). But must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a cesspit of need?

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy. Can I ignore you some other time?

47. Try not to let your mind wander. It’s too small to be out on its own.

48. Have a nice day. Somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement right away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture. I'd really like to hang you.

51. Try not to believe everything you think.

52. Hear that? It's the sound of nobody caring.



I'm partial to #42. Anyone else have a favorite?

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

OK, you talked me into one more:

Things You Can Say at Thanksgiving and get away with!

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?



JerryBaumchen

[ianyapxw 0]

JerryBaumchen

Hi BIGUN,

This one is somewhat old but maybe some folks have not heard it:

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

JerryBaumchen

I don't get this :(

Since it was posted on some golf forum I guess it has to do with the fact the guy's a golfer?

[davjohns 1]

It has nothing to do with him being a golfer. It has everything to do with him being a HIM and her being a hot, naked HER.

Forest for the trees, my friend. Forest for the trees.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[busichio 0]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel securely attached to the front of this pants. The bartender takes one look at him and asks "why the fuck do you have a steering wheel down there?" Without a moments hesitation, the pirate shouts back at him "ARRRRRRR, its drivin' me nuts!"

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

''Yes, What can I do for you?''

'' I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.''

''Thank you very much for the call, sir.''

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and leave.

Shortly after the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?''

''Yeah!''

'' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?''

''Yep!''

''Happy Birthday, buddy!''



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi BIGUN,

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"



JerryBaumchen

[Bertt 0]

Hi Jerry,
True story from the Johnny Carson show. (Some of you might have seen this).
Jane Fonda was a guest on Johnny's show. She sat in the chair next to Johnny holding a cat in her lap. As she was petting the cat, she said to Johnny, "Would you like to pet my pussy?"
Johnny replied, "I would ... if you would move that damn cat."

You don't have to outrun the bear.

[BillyVance 34]

Bertt

Hi Jerry,
True story from the Johnny Carson show. (Some of you might have seen this).
Jane Fonda was a guest on Johnny's show. She sat in the chair next to Johnny holding a cat in her lap. As she was petting the cat, she said to Johnny, "Would you like to pet my pussy?"
Johnny replied, "I would ... if you would move that damn cat."

I don't remember that but having seen Barbarella, I can imagine why he'd say that.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[irishrigger 31]

A married man was having a long-term affair with his secretary.

One day, they were overcome by passion and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they both fell asleep and didn't rouse until well into the evening. As the man hastily threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and then he quickly slipped into his shoes and drove home.


“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having hot, passionate sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You've been out playing golf!”

[irishrigger 31]

While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”


At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

[BillyVance 34]

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Baksteen 84]

JerryBaumchen

You are unlikely to appear in a sequel if you wear the only red coat in a black and white film about the Holocaust.

That would seem to go for red shirts in general

"That formation-stuff in freefall is just fun and games but with an open parachute it's starting to sound like, you know, an extreme sport."
~mom

[ryoder 1,381]

A Palestinian called Mahmud was going to cross the Israel-Palestinian border. He rode a biciycle, carrying two huge bags.

An Israeli soldier manning the border checkpoint stopped him and asked what he was carrying in his two bags. "Sand," Mahmud answered.

The soldier didn't believe him and he ordered Mahmud to open the bags. But both were full of sand, just as Mahmud claimed. Cleared of suspicion, they had to let him go.

The next day, Mahmud rode a bicycle carrying two huge bags towards the same checkpoint. Again he was stopped by the soldier, who wanted to know what he was carrying. "Sand," Mahmud answered. His bags were searched again, but they were full of sand, just like the day before. Again they have to let him go.

The same thing happened the day after, and the day after that, and so on for a year. Finally, it stopped. Later, the checkpoint soldier came across Mahmud in Jericho. He remembered the Palestinian who rode a bicycle carrying bags full of sand everyday.

"Hey, you, sand-carrier," said the soldier, "I used to think you're trying to smuggle something under our noses. But how come it was only sand in your bags everyday? I'm going nuts thinking what is it that you want to smuggle. Okay, just between you and me, what is it about?"

Mahmud answered, "I'm smuggling bicycles."

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.