JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Thunderbow 1]

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Lord, let me be the person my dog thinks I am.

[jclalor 12]

Thunderbow

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

Have you ever heard of Mexican judo? It works like this: when feeling threatened, you respond with: judo know if I got a knife, judo know if I got a gun.....judo know

[BillyVance 34]

I always loved the exchange between an American airline pilot and a German ATC at a German airport. The pilot wasn't sure where to go after landing, and the german was insulting "Do you not know where you are? Have you ever been here before??" "Yes, flying a bomber in 1945"

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Stumpy 254]

Wasn't it "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Never try to eat more than you can lift

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi BIGUN,

OK, a quiz this time:

How fast can you guess these words







1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM











------------------------------------------------------------------------------











Answers:



1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi BIGUN,

And another one:

I was at a grocery store following a grandpa and his out of control 3 year old grandson. He had his hands full with this kid screaming for candy in the candy isle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for chips, sugary cereals and coke in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and I hear the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing things out of the cart, and grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, I go outside where the Grandpa is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you calmly kept say things would be okay. William is a very lucky to have you as his Grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William........ the little brat's name is Kevin."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi BIGUN,

And one more:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had "covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel
drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 38 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Sh** !"

Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi BIGUN,

And one for our attorneys:

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi BIGUN,

OK, let's try one more:

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a gorgeous girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing beautiful?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering French kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"



JerryBaumchen

[oldwomanc6 38]

Jerry, I don't know where you find this stuff, but it's very entertaining!

Thanks,

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[BillyVance 34]

Stumpy

Wasn't it "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Yeah, something like that.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Thunderbow 1]

My sister was diagnosed with kleptomania. I thought that was terrible. She says it’s not so bad – the doctor reckons there’s something she can take.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Lord, let me be the person my dog thinks I am.

[Thunderbow 1]

I am really sorry about these, I too found a list online.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Lord, let me be the person my dog thinks I am.

[BillyVance 34]

Thunderbow

I am really sorry about these, I too found a list online.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BIGUN 1,042]

Brenda makse an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried about her husband's bad temper.

Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"

Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scare me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.

Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[evilivan 0]

BillyVance

***Wasn't it "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I was only dropping something off, so I didn't land."

....as I heard it...

"If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation."
David Brent

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi lisa,

Quote

but it's very entertaining

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Nuts!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Tea Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi lisa,

Middle age text abbreviations

ATD - At the doctor

BFF - Best friend fell

BTW - Bring the wheelchair

BYOT - Bring your own teeth

FWIW - Forgot where I was

GHA - Got heartburn again

IMHAO - Is my hearing aid on?

LMDO - Laughing my dentures out

OMMR - On my massage recliner

ROFLACGU - Rolling on floor laughing and can't get up

TTYL - Talk to you louder

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi lisa,

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart
attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi lisa,

Tony, age 92, and Carmella, age 89, living in Jersey City, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Tony suggests they go in.

Tony addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Tony: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Tony: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Tony: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Tony: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Tony: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Tony: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Tony: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Tony: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Tony: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Tony: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi lisa,

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.

She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried..

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2010
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his marijuana farm.

JerryBaumchen

[format 0]

A guy stopped by a gipsy hooker, asking:

"How much?"
"It's thirty dollars or fifteen"

"What's for thirty?"
"Everything... front, back, mouth, ears, one hour or more."

"What's for fifteen?"
"Well... the same.. if you dont have thirty dollars"

[oldwomanc6 38]

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi BIGUN,

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

JerryBaumchen

[BIGUN 1,042]

Damn you're good.
I hadn't heard that one either.
Please not the new & improved thread title.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.