JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi Keith,

And one more:

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!



JerryBaumchen

[oldwomanc6 38]

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[BIGUN 1,053]

Ever since I was a child; I've always had a fear of someone hiding under my bed at night. SO I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears. I asked, "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. I told him I'll sleep on it.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street and asked," Why didn't you come to See me about those fears you were having?"

Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.

Is that so? With a bit of an attitude the shrink said, "And, how may I ask did a bartender cure you? He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.

Always get a second opinion. Don't always get it from another Doctor.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BillyVance 34]

Good one!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[FastRon 0]

Probably a repeat but...
A priest, a doctor and an engineer go golfing. They are having a grand day until they note they are stuck behind a foursome that just can't seem to even hit the ball. Frustrated, they call over the course marshal. They ask him what's up with the foursome. He replies, they are firefighters and all lost most of their eyesight while fighting a fire in the clubhouse the previous year. The Club lets them play for free whenever they want.
The priest replies- "That's awful! I will light a candle for them and pray for a miracle!"
The doctor says, "That is terrible, I know an excellent opthalmic surgeon, please give them my card for a referra"l;
The engineer says- "Geez. Can't they just play at night?"...

[Croc 0]

Haw! Good one!

"Here's a good specimen of my own wisdom. Something is so, except when it isn't so."

Charles Fort, commenting on the many contradictions of astronomy

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

Copied from FaceBook:

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[FastRon 0]

Sort of a blonde joke-

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters: 'No..not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[BillyVance 34]

FastRon

Sort of a blonde joke-

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters: 'No..not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[turtlespeed 212]

From Comedy Central:

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Joe."

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[rifleman 61]

According to a news report, a certain private school in
Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick
and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the
next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there
with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much
effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There
are teachers, and then there are educators...

Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organisation

[oldwomanc6 38]

That made me chuckle!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[ianyapxw 0]

teeheehee

[rickjump1 0]

http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf Here's, "My Name is Caroline". Careful.

Do your part for global warming: ban beans and hold all popcorn farts.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

Blonde joke of the week.

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,

"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...

Win a Bagel

********************

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."

********************

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the State Trooper on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a State Trooper came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Trooper came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

And one more:

Why You Should Never, Ever, Ask A Drunk A Question....

There was a young lady shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The young lady was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, the young lady said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'



JerryBaumchen

[BillyVance 34]

JerryBaumchen

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'



JerryBaumchen

Its quite clear that he wasnt drunk enough.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BV,

And this one:

A guy comes into work with 2 black eyes.

His office buddy says "Wow what happened? How did you get those black eyes"?

He replied, "I got them at church on Sunday".

His office buddy says "CHURCH? How did that happen?"

The guy says "When we all got up to sing, there was a large woman in front of me with her dress tucked up in the crack of her rear end. I figured I would help her out so I pulled it out of her crack. She turned around and hit me!"

The office buddy says "Well that explains one black eye but what about the other?"

The guy says "Well when she hit me I figured she wanted it that way so I tucked it back in for her!"



JerryBaumchen

[davjohns 1]

From memory:

A woman pushing two toddlers in a stroller was surprised when a man asked if they were twins.

She said, "No. They're two years apart. One is clearly larger than the other. One is blonde while the other has dark hair. And one is a boy; the other a girl. What would ever make you ask if they were twins?"

The man replied, "I took one look at YOU and couldn't imagine anyone screwing you twice."

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

And then there is this one:

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"



JerryBaumchen

[BIGUN 1,053]

Thanks, Jerry. That was funny and I hadn't heard it before.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[irishrigger 31]

That is a brilliant one! nice one Jerry!

[Gene03 0]

Two old friends are drinking in the bar one night when one of them takes a dime out of his pocket and hands it to his friend.

The guy looks down at the dime and says, "What the hell do you want me to do with this?"

His friend replies, "See that hot red-head at the bar with the butt crack going on?"

"Well, duh." says the friend.

"I dare you to drop the dime down the slot and see what kind of music you get."

Having never refused a dare from his bud he does as instructed.

Without a word or a moments hesitation the woman swings around and back hands the guy, sending him reeling across the bar.

Staggering back and rubbing his chin the guy says to his friend, "Christ, thank gawd you didn't give me a fucking quarter."

“The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec quotes (Polish writer, poet and satirist 1906-1966)

[BIGUN 1,053]

This guy lived next door to a couple of lesbians.
On his birthday, they knocked on the door and handed him a nice gift wrapped box.
He opened it to find a brand new Presidential Rolex.
He stood there looking at it and said, "I didn't say I wanted A watch;" I said, "I want TO watch."

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BillyVance 34]

BIGUN

This guy lived next door to a couple of lesbians.
On his birthday, they knocked on the door and handed him a nice gift wrapped box.
He opened it to find a brand new Presidential Rolex.
He stood there looking at it and said, "I didn't say I wanted A watch;" I said, "I want TO watch."

Sooo... did they get him another one?

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban