JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Fearjoburg 0]

A black man from Harlem were invited to a fancy dress party and asks his wife to go and hire an outfit for him.

That evening after he came home, he found a spiderman suit lying on the bed. Very upset he tells his wife she need to get something else because Spiderman always were a white dude.

The following evening he finds a Superman suit on the bed. He tells his wife that she is stupid because both Spiderman and Superman are white guys and he is black! - he wants a costume that will look good on a black man.

The next evening he finds a bunch of white dots, a white belt and a white stick on the bed.

He calls his wife and asks "Whats this?" to which she answered "You undress yourself until you are naked and stick the white dots on your body then you are a domino block! If you don't like that then put the white belt around your waste and then you are a Oreo Cookie. If you don't like that you shove the white stick up your ass and then you go as a Magnum Ice Creamm!!"

[jono 0]

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a
husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -
These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a
Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[jono 0]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with
numbers above the wall light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[oldwomanc6 38]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. Also, and this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have the assignment, as part of your job, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're shitting me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it."

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[BIGUN 1,042]

Both awesome...

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[Malta_Dog 0]

A warning to everyone!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the
mall and in dark parking lots, etc. I wanted to pass this on in case you haven't
heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular
customers at Home Depot, Costco, auto parts stores, or even
Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last
month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get parts and supplies has turned out to be
quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: two nice looking, college-age girls
will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your
purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to
look, except JohnMitchell). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No'
but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they
climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then
one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Feb 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Mar 1st, 4th,
8th, twice on the 10th, 12th, the 31st and hopefully again this
upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a
horrible way to take advantage of us older men.

Warn your friends to be vigilant.

By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found
even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them
out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at
McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and
forth from home, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the men that you know and warn
them to be on the lookout for this scam. Be extremely careful between the hours of
12:30pm to 3:00 pm these are the best times, I mean worst, to encounter this problem.

All your dropzone are belong to us!!!!111!

[Squeak 17]

Wow that was really long and not funny

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[wmw999 2,114]

What -- did she get you too?


Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Bertt 0]

I encountered a similar situation, except the girls were more greedy. They told me that if I paid them $500 they would do anything I wanted. I asked if they really meant that and they swore they did. I showed them $500 and told them I had an unusual request. The blond said, "We're pretty kinky. There's nothing we won't do. Hand over that money and tell us what you've got in mind."
My reply, "Paint my house".

The house looks great, but the girls were really pissed.

You don't have to outrun the bear.

[jono 0]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine
when the husband, feeling very relaxed after two glasses, said
"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me
happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said
"Your dick's bigger than your brother's".

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[jono 0]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on
a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk
left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[BIGUN 1,042]

>who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

I'll resemble this remark next week.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[oldwomanc6 38]

Quote

>who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

I'll resemble this remark next week.

Thank you!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[BIGUN 1,042]

I was recently chosen as foreman for the jury I was on. We ended up acquitting the defendant. When we came back into the courtroom the judge yelled at us, “How were you able to acquit?” “Insanity,” I replied. “All 12 of you?” he retorted.

-----------------------------------

It was Sally’s first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive. “I would just like you to know” said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge “that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.” “That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.” “What’s the case about?” Asked Sally. “Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for spending the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom on hookers,” replied the judge. “Alright” replied Sally “I’ll serve on this one, I may have to re-think the whole capital punishment thing.”

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[TriGirl 268]

Quote

Life in the Australian Army...


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steak or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they come in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not
like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.












Your loving daughter,

Sheila

We have a similar version for the US Marine Corps. The letter is written by a kid from the rural areas of the south (Daisy). She also loves that there is more than enough food at chow time, she doesn't have to fight for it, and the "city kids" give her their leftovers because they don't eat much.

See the upside, and always wear your parachute! -- Christopher Titus

Shut Up & Jump!

[champu 1]

Guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, ya gotta help me." Doc asks, "What's the matter?" Guy says, "Every morning... I... Well... I can't bring myself to get out of bed until I listen to 'What's New Pussycat?'" Doc says, "Ah, yes... Sounds like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome." Guy asks, "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's not unusual."

[promise5 17]

6 just got me lol lol

No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible.
Believe me I tried.

[wmw999 2,114]

SERVICE:

I become confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Federal, state, city, & public 'Service'
This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ' Service' a few cows...

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand how those agencies got their names.

Wendy P

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[BillyVance 34]

If Youtube, Twitter and Facebook merged into one giant social media conglomerate (I know, will never happen), would it be called YouTwitFace?

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[popsjumper 2]

Quote

SERVICE:

I become confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Federal, state, city, & public 'Service'
This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ' Service' a few cows...

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand how those agencies got their names.

Wendy P

Oooooo! Good one!

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[Bertt 0]

You reminded me of a joke I heard from a farmer.
An old bull and a young bull are standing on a hill looking down at a field full of cows. The young bull says, "Let's run down there and service one of those cows."
The old bull says, "Let's walk down there and service all of those cows."

You don't have to outrun the bear.

[mistercwood 287]

Two british cows are standing on a hill. One turns to the other and nervously asks, "You worried about this mad cow disease thing that's been going around?". Second replies, "Why should I? I'm a penguin!".

You are playing chicken with a planet - you can't dodge and planets don't blink. Act accordingly.

[BIGUN 1,042]

If YouTube, Twitter & Facebook were to merge... would it be called YouTwitFace?

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BillyVance 34]

Quote

If YouTube, Twitter & Facebook were to merge... would it be called YouTwitFace?

Copycat!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BIGUN 1,042]

?

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.