JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[csubl 0]

Fred and Barney are sitting in a bar having a few beers, and discussing calculus. Barney says its such a difficult subject that not many people understand it, but Fred disagrees.

When Barney leaves to use the restroom, Fred calls the barmaid over and says "When Barney comes back, I'm going to ask you a question. I want you to answer X squared divided by two". The barmaid says she can do that. Just to be sure, Fred has her repeat it a few times to make sure she's got it right.

When Barney returns to the table, Fred calls the barmaid over and asks "What's the integral of X?". She replies X squared divided by two, and starts walking back to the bar.

Barney is totally amazed, Fred is totally amused, and the barmaid, halfway back to the bar, turns and says "Plus a constant!".

[DiverMike 5]

I was adding the + C in my head before I got to the punchline.

Good stuff.

For the same reason I jump off a perfectly good diving board.

[quack 0]

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Q. How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Only one, but it does take a lot of light bulbs!

How many Torontonians does it take to change a light bulb?




Only one: To holds it in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around it.

But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is the good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. - Serge A. Storms

• Quote

[ken911 0]

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Fearjoburg 0]

Koos and Piet had a VERY jolly good time at the local pub, so much so that Koos puked on his own shirt. “Sannie is going to kill me, this is a brand new shirt and a gift from her." moans Koos.

“Man, just put a $20 note in your shirt and tell her a guy in the bar vomited on your shirt and he gave you the money to go and clean it.” is Piet's clever plan.

Finally when Koos got home, Sannie waited up for him “Koos you drunk ass; tonight I will kill you! Your shirt is full of puke, what is wrong with you?!”

“No no, wait my love, the shirt its a guy at the bar who puked on it and gave me $20 to clean it, look here it is in the pocket of the shirt...”

Sannie inserts her hand in the shirt pocket and takes out 2 $20.
“And this, here is 2 $20 notes?”

Koos looks at her with tears in his eyes and says, “o yes, I forgot he also shit in my pants”

[Malta_Dog 0]

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Koos and Piet had a VERY jolly good time at the local pub, so much so that Koos puked on his own shirt. “Sannie is going to kill me, this is a brand new shirt and a gift from her." moans Koos.

“Man, just put a $20 note in your shirt and tell her a guy in the bar vomited on your shirt and he gave you the money to go and clean it.” is Piet's clever plan.

Finally when Koos got home, Sannie waited up for him “Koos you drunk ass; tonight I will kill you! Your shirt is full of puke, what is wrong with you?!”

“No no, wait my love, the shirt its a guy at the bar who puked on it and gave me $20 to clean it, look here it is in the pocket of the shirt...”

Sannie inserts her hand in the shirt pocket and takes out 2 $20.
“And this, here is 2 $20 notes?”

Koos looks at her with tears in his eyes and says, “o yes, I forgot he also shit in my pants”

All your dropzone are belong to us!!!!111!

[jono 0]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in
a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did
he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[Squeak 17]

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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in
a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did
he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

I knew what the punchline was that was coming and it still made me smile

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[Fearjoburg 0]

The husband gets home after visiting the doctor and is looking seriously worried.

His wife asks:"What is wrong"
He answers "The doctor said I must drink one of these pills for the rest of my life."

She: "Lots of people drink some kind of pill everyday."

Husband: "But he has only given me 10 pills!"

[kenthediver 0]

How to kill an eel!
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his
questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by
golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was
dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

[Bertt 0]

A guy calls animal control to report a gorilla on his roof. Shortly, a truck pulls up and an animal control worker gets out with a dog and a gun. The worker tells the homeowner to hold the gun. He says, "I'm going to go up on the roof and scare the gorilla. When he falls off the roof, the dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated, then we'll capture him."
The homeowner says, "What's the gun for?"
The worker replies, "If I fall off the roof, shoot that damned dog."

You don't have to outrun the bear.

[jono 0]

Life in the Australian Army...


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steak or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they come in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not
like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.












Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[muff528 3]

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Life in the Australian Army...


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steak or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they come in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not
like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.












Your loving daughter,

Sheila

What language is this?

[jono 0]

"What language is this?"

http://www.australian-dictionary.com.au/

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[muff528 3]

Thanks! Google Translate is not very helpful with some of the more exotic dialects.

[oldwomanc6 38]

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Life in the Australian Army...


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steak or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they come in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not
like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.



Your loving daughter,

Sheila

I'd hate to see her in Detroit.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[jono 0]

A woman had been in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring
her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went
into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all. The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they
cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure. Maybe she choked".

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[BIGUN 1,051]

I hadn't heard that before. Funny.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BIGUN 1,051]

When Turtlespeed was a young'un...

His teacher asked him what my favorite animal was, and he said, "Fried chicken."

She said he wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

His parents told him to always tell the truth. so he did. Fried chicken was his favorite animal.

He told his dad what happened, and he said the teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

He did, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, the teacher sent him to the principal's office.

Turtlespeed told him what happened, and he laughed, too.

Then he told Turtlespeed not to do it again.

The next day in class Turtlespeed's teacher asked him what his favorite *live( animal was.

He told her it was chicken.

She asked him why, so Turtlespeed told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent Turtlespeed back to the principal's office.

He laughed, and told Turtlespeed not to do it again.

Turtlespeed didn't understand.

His parents taught him to be honest, but his teacher doesn't like it when he was.

One day, Turtlespeed's teacher asked him to tell her what famous person he admired most.

He told her, "Colonel Sanders."

And, that's how it all started.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[jono 0]

A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates, and
St.Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says,"OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it."

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[Boomerdog 0]

The zoo's gorilla sat all day in the center of his cage depressed and puzzled. In one hand the gorilla held the Bible and in the other hand, Darwin's Origin of the Species. The gorilla could not determine whether he was his brother's keeper or his keeper's brother.

[BillyVance 34]

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The zoo's gorilla sat all day in the center of his cage depressed and puzzled. In one hand the gorilla held the Bible and in the other hand, Darwin's Origin of the Species. The gorilla could not determine whether he was his brother's keeper or his keeper's brother.

Why am I reminded of that scene at the end of Trading Places with the real gorilla and the guy tied up and taped up in a gorilla suit?

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[wmw999 2,120]

Medical School Entrance Exam
When I was young and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility. One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters S N I P E to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[turtlespeed 212]

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Medical School Entrance Exam
When I was young and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility. One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters S N I P E to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

Wendy P.

Currently in the House Minority.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[mistercwood 287]

You guys hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

You are playing chicken with a planet - you can't dodge and planets don't blink. Act accordingly.