*death and fear

[Calvin19 0]

So, i never post like this, but this one hit really close to home.

After i got back from a grand week of rope hucking in moab, I had a voicemail from a freinds parents telling me she was dead. A high school freind, the ones you make great memories with and then slowly lose touch with for the 2 years after graduation.

Turns out she was flying with her Boyfreind and his child, a 3 year old, and they hit an tower in Towerland, USA. I had known about the crash for a day and a half, being a pilot myself i follow these things Through the NTSB. I had no idea it was her until after i got home.

The tower came down, another loss, though shadowed to me. (she would laugh at me saying this, i promise)

I dont even know why i am posting this, i guess, even after a half day spent with all her other fellow freinds, and a few hours drinking beer alone at the end of runway 26 at my airport, i still feel really dead to it. Alone, of course, but dead.

less than a year ago, another freind died in a plane crash in denver. I got the call boarding our plane for a midnight bandit load over my house. She lost an engine on rotation and VMC rolled a Cessna 421 into the runway. cartwheel explode. She was 20 years old. I walked through the wreckage on that one the next day. I cried. I cant cry now.

Am i getting used to this? Now i have had 4 freinds die on me, and im only 21. I am a BASE jumper, Right? do i have to get used to it?

It is becoming aparent to me that i have chosen a path in life where i will need to learn to accept a, um, high amount of loss.

My 3 BEST freinds, since 1st grade, 8th grade, and 6th grade, my neighbors for over a decade, have recently started BASE. I have been in BASE for 2 years, and i feel proud and scared to see them learning and fearing and figuring out what i did. We have looked eachother in the eye, and understood that in the next 10 years, at least one of us will probably know a whole lot more about the great beyond than the rest.

But these freinds are not the ones dieing.

I Thought after Nadia died a year ago, i could relax. i hoped maybe that was the loss for this era, my one complex to tell people about over campfires, far away from crouds, a place where god and other tyrants cannot overhear.

I know this is talked about a lot, and i know i am rambling. I know that the tower collapse has been posted, and maybe this will just get deleted or linked to that, but i dont care. I just wanted to get it out. I am sorry for anybody who is reading this thinking it was some deep and meaningful, then liberating post. i am sorry for wasting your time. Its just a scared little kid, barely able to drink legaly, Afraid of anyone but himself dieing, haunted by his own motivation to live every second, and spead the beautiful lifestyle of actualy living to everybody else. Im hopeing that you all call your freinds and tell them you love them.

Anyway, here is to Heather.

Hell, here is to the Angels.

(anybody who watched the credits of my Moab Chronicles will understand the dedication)

For The Angels:

Bobby M, Car wreck
Adam E, Car wreck 2000
Nadia B, Cessna 421, 2004
Heather B, PA-28/1000' tower, 2005



This is not what i was so anxious to post when i got home from an amazing moab trip, but some things just fall in your lap.


as i say before every jump, every light twin takeoff, every single engine over the mountains flight, every low pull, every corona arch fly-through, every motercycle drive by, every paraglider wingover...


dream immortal


Goodnight.

[BASE1036 0]

Sometimes you just have to let it out man. I know all of us in the central florida area have been touched by a lot of death here lately, and sometimes it just gets overwhelming. Hang in there, and dont ever feel like you are wasting anybody's time by posting what you need to. Its nice to see the internrt used for something other than PORN...(Not that there is anything wrong with PORN...)

drop me a PM if you need to....

.

Daniel
Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones
Tasers - Pepper Spray - Stun Guns and more!
www.dallassecuritysupply.com

[ChrisHall 0]

Sorry to hear about your friend. I have a very similar story, and I've felt a very similar loss and pain. Keep your head-up brother.

[pbla4024 0]

Four friends died jumping since January. I just watch ceiling at night and wonder whether I will go to bed at evening.

Fido

[CBRnick 0]

I understand how you feel.
I lost my wife not long ago. I lost my soulmate too.
I understand what you mean about not being able to cry. I feel like that sometimes.
Its not because you are used to it, but because you are not able to turn it on at will. Our natural defence is to block things out.
For what its worth, the flip side is that it comes back and hits you when you least expect it and you cant turn it off at will either.

When my wife died, someone told me that it will never go away or hurt less. It just gets easier to deal with.
They were right.

We all have angels we will meet again some day.
My thoughts are with you my friend.

[cygnusbase 0]

And here's to the friends that surround you in times where you miss your other friends(attachment):)

Thank you for sharing your passions with people like myself during the turkey boogie!

Kris
Missionary Man

[CanuckInUSA 0]

Quote

Nadia B, Cessna 421, 2004
Heather B, PA-28/1000' tower, 2005

Damn dude that sucks and I'm sorry for your loses. I've outlined the last two since they happened while your friends were doing something that I assumed they loved and if/when we're going to check out from this beautiful world, isn't it best to do it while we're doing something that we loved. I'm happy that you kept your cool one morning last May and happy it didn't happen 30 minutes earlier while we were over much more hostile terrain. But if it had happen, at least it would have happened while we were doing something that we've loved. I love playing in the skies in an airplane as well as under canopy. I am at my most happiest up there.

Oh and because of you, that weekend was responsible for renewing my interest in flying (who would have thought I'd get back into it despite our incident). I just wish I had more $$$ to do it all the time.

Take care ...
Steve

Try not to worry about the things you have no control over

[Calvin19 0]

Hey, thanks for that pic man, we rarely get action shots of all of us together, its priceless. Those are my boys! commited to the Core!

And thanks for your posts, everybody.

dream immortal

[freakydiver 0]

Just the fact that you can express what you've expressed does two things - it expresses respect and gratitude that your lost mates can see and sense from beyond the grave and two, it exhibits the excellence you've achieved in life in the area of emotinal expression. You, and I don't know you, are an exceptional person. I too have lost three friends through various airborn activities over the years and I too feel your pain just about every day of my life. Since then I've started a family and changed my gears in life. The one thing I realize from both my old gearing and my new is that EVERY DAY in life is precious and the people that fill these days are even more precious. Thank you for again reminding me of this.

-- (N.DG) "If all else fails – at least try and look under control." --

[saf40 0]

Matt, whilst I have never had to deal with what you have experienced, you ask whether you are walking the right path in life. Clearly I am not going to weigh it up but all I wanted to say was that i keep coming back to watch The Moab Chronicles that you posted on skydivingmovies and it gives me the most satisfying feeling you can imagine. It inspires me to follow dreams and not accept convention. As I sit here with 2 essays in for tomorrow I only think that I do not want to pursue the city jobs we get hassled for here, but rather live a freer life closer to my dreams and surrounded by people that are truly open and engaging who themselves have decided what life is for, rather than being dragged through it. One of the most visible steps I've taken would be learning to skydive this summer, but clearly this is amoungst the first step of many, and not all can be seen, but are changes to attitudes and feelings within oneself. So I guess that while recent events clearly are painful to you, I for one admire how you have chosen to walk your own direction in life, and you have helped inspire me do the same for myself.

[Tenshi 0]

I also am troubled by the fear of death. Been having headaches lately...just above my left eye. I think it's cancer and I'm gonna die. My uncle recently died because of cancer and since then I've been anxious.

Also...few days ago...I was sitting on the couch and I realised that I was gonna die (everyone eventually does) and I fucking panicked bad. Still haven't recovered from that.

Wtf...

[Calvin19 0]

"...I was sitting on the couch and I realised that I was gonna die (everyone eventually does) and I fucking panicked bad."

I think that this has a lot to do with the couch, i never get sad thinking i am going to die on a jump. only when i am sitting on a couch do i get that feeling.

cheers...

[nicrussell 0]

The end of life has frightened the living since living began. being afraid is natural, fighting past this known is strength. (as knowledge and acceptance is power.)

[Rauk 0]

Matt, That is horrible, I am getting my phone turned on today and I will call you soon. I am so sorry man.
Steve, I don't have your new number, call me.
921

[PeteS 0]

Seem's you get used to it, but it never get's easier. Talk when you need to.

[Calvin19 0]

900' A, sliderup, sunrise. that one was for Heather. Funny how that makes it feel better. now, i take an ambien, and go back to sleep.