I never posted an introduction post so I guess this is as good a time as any
Ground school- have been studying on my own for weeks, made power points on how to deal with different malfunctions, flashcards, dry-runs, etc. Did fine on the written test.
Jump Time- not once, but TWICE I tried to do my AFF1. The first time I had all my gear on and essentially started hyperventilating (and then I cried because I was totally embarrassed in front of some tandem students. Not pretty). Have not had this level of fear yet AT ALL. Loved my tandem , have been feeling comfortable in the days leading up the AFF1. (Though I did have a horrific nightmare last night in which I slammed into the ground because I froze and couldn't take care of a malfunction. Urgh). So instead of getting on the plane, I took about an hour to relax and regroup. Felt ready to go and confident.
Second time- Get my gear on, going to the plane, notice my harness feels kind of loose (around my legs and behind). I see on everyone else that their harness looks quite tight in those areas. Perhaps it's because I have no junk in the trunk, but there is some serious space around my upper thighs(or what feels like it). I know my perception is heightened because I'm about to count on this equipment (with my help) to save my ass. I understand the risk of a too-tight harness but this just didn't feel secure-- to me. Apparently the harness was as "tight" as it will go. I let my instructor know as we were taxiing to takeoff that I was not ready. Took off, got to altitude, and felt even more certain did not want to go because of *what I felt like* was a loose harness (again, this is my novice perception).
Bottom line- nerves + feeling insecure about my equipment resulted in my riding the plane down. And feeling like crap (and utterly embarrassed- not one but TWO refusals in one day.)
I want to do this, but I want to leap from that plane having zero doubts about my gear so I can completely focus on the jump, deployment, canopy control, landing pattern, emergency procedures, etc.
Advice? Am I nuts? Do slender women have problems with harnesses being too loose/large? Do I need to go to a DZ with a larger selection of student gear?
I refuse to give up on my dream to learn how to be a great skydiver, but today's events were discouraging. Any words of advice would be appreciated. I do believe I want to jump. Why? Because I imagine if someone told me right now that I will never get to do it again, I would be extremely upset.